Year 2010

The end of that year in Elmira was painful. The principal took the class away and gave it to the reading teacher. I was put on hall duty. I ran into one of the vicious girls wandering the halls and she screamed at me the whole way escorting her back to class and then blew up her classroom.

The reading teacher came to me after school and chastised ME for blowing up her classroom and for how I talked to the student. I should apologize to her. At that point I just took a deep breath and blew it out. I told her I was done. She was the first person I actually told about leaving the school. I was sick of people talking about me behind my back, and students attacking me to my face. I told her I was sick of the abuse. It seemed to deflate her balloon a bit. On one hand I was totally justified in deflating her. On the other hand it took a lot for her to confront me. I'm a bit of a bulldozer sometimes and she was a very timid person who avoided conflict with out fail until she snapped. She mentioned once a while ago that she had a history of abuse, so we had that in common. I just chose to become a lion instead of a mouse.

I remember a meeting I had with the English departments between all of the schools. I had developed a reputation for speaking out to defend alternative and being quite assertive in that. I would argue with other teachers with tenure and 20 years experience. I had a reputation of confidence and fierceness. It got to the point where people would discuss things then make eye contact with me waiting for my okay to move along.
Kinda cool for a new teacher. At the last meeting I had already handed in my resignation and the principal had taken my class away. I was really exhausted and beat down. At the meeting I contributed nothing and even when asked what I thought I kinda shrugged. One of the teachers had been so concerned by this 180 attitude shift that she called the principal. He called me into the office, told me about the concerned call and then asked if I was okay. I looked him straight in the eye and so no I wasn't. He then changed the subject on me and said, well, you have a job to finish. Make sure you take care of your responsibilities. I was actually insulted that he assumed I wasn't going to finish the year like a professional.

I had also gone into therapy to deal with the violence I was feeling in response to the regular attacks. I went to 6 weeks of meetings.  It was paid for by the district through the BOCES. The therapist was really laid back and congratulated me on recognizing my own warning signs. I told her I had always been upset with teachers whose attitude was "just surviving the day" and said if I got to that point it was time to quit. So there I was quitting. She helped me figure out some strategies to deal with the rage that was boiling.

I also talked about the baby my hubbie and I were trying to conceive. We had only been trying for 2 months so were early in the game. She said she counseled a lot of teachers and other professionals who saw these kids having babies but they couldn't. I told her it almost felt like being punished for being professional and responsible; waiting until you have finished your education and established your career and a stable marriage before bringing a child up. Like values and rewards are turned upside down. She really seemed to understand that. Apparently a lot of women in my position have expressed the same resentments.

Thankfully I didn't have trouble conceiving. I think Bri was conceived sometime during exams in June. I must have been holding onto that sperm since the weekend and the egg released at just the right time. I was pregnant before I left but didn't know it yet. I'm grateful for leaving then as well. I don't feel it would have been a healthy thing to be pregnant and have Bri marinating in those stress and rage chemicals while in the womb. It might have negatively affected her personality. She's an amazingly happy girl.

Another reason I was really keen to get out of there is things were getting bad with certain people. My dad's cancer had returned so I was stressed about that. The first treatments had left him an invalid and mentally incompetent. I knew I might be called to help. I thought my bro had it in hand. I had no idea he would use it to fleece mom.

My cat had been diagnosed with bone cancer in her jaw. She only had a few months left to live. I really wanted to spend time with her. When I finally got back to the house I underwent a huge cleaning project of the florida room. We had been using it as a storage and work area and I really wanted an open room for pillows and chairs so she could lay out in the sun. It looked nice when I was done. She really seemed to enjoy it.

Shortly after I got back, a matter of days, Grandma Young fell down the stairs and ended up at the hospital. I had visited her on Monday, I think. She was complaining of her sciatica and I offered to go to the store for her. I got her some groceries and stuff for us to nibble on. I told her about the pregnancy and not to tell anyone yet because it was so early. I had taken the test on Saturday. Of course she mentioned it to my father in law. He seemed pleased as well. I think it was a Wednesday morning before dawn that she fell and they took her to the hospital. It was actually two, she had to be transferred to the emergency hospital in the city due to the severity.

Hubbie and I visited her a few times. She was awake and aware. But after about 3 weeks she started to fail. Her lungs stared filling with fluid and she lost consciousness and never really came back awake. She died after about 6 weeks in the hospital.  That really messed me up. I know she wasn't my biological grandma and I had only known each other for a few years but I really felt bonded to her. I didn't come from a close family and my hubbie's family was so affectionate I latched on. We still talk about her when we see a show she would have loved or something that reminds us. It sucks she didn't get to see Bri. She was really excited about her.

I also tried to get unemployment. With not Jobs on the horizon I needed that income and couldn't even find min wage work. The economy was shot and jobs were just not there. The wanted sections in the paper were horrifyingly slim. I couldn't get it because of the fact that I resigned and wasn't fired or layed off. I started to go through the process of protesting it because I felt due to the hostility of the environment I was pushed out. I had no choice but to leave. I filled out the paperwork, took the phone call interview and waited for notification of the court date. It was to be a conference call with a judge on the phone.

When I got the court notification I had a break down. I had been having problems with emotional out-of-control reactions to things that involved school. Hearing the word school, driving passed one, anything with the letterhead of Elmira would throw me into a panic attack and crying fit. So when I got those papers I had a total meltdown in front of my husband. He told me not to pursue it. It wasn't worth the emotional trauma and drain. He couldn't stand seeing me like that so he told me to drop it. I actually just let the time appointed for the court phone call to pass and didn't call in. I received a default judgement denying my claim. As expected.

My cat died a few weeks after Grandma Young. I had to have her put to sleep. The tumor was growing back against her throat and she couldn't eat and eventually had trouble breathing. It was better than letting her suffocate.

I had an altar for her and would light candles daily. The grief was sharper and purer. People are complicated to mourn for. There are so many conditions, what ifs, and baggage. But an animal is just a companion without the complicated crap so the grief is so much closer to the surface and acute. I had dreams about her as well after she died even after I gave birth.

So two major losses in July and August of 2010.

Then in January 2011 my friend from third grade, Erika, died from an overdose of pain killer meds. She had some addiction problems. It was shortly after I had spoken to her on the phone. The first time we had talked with voices and not through letters in a decade. I still have all the letters she sent me. I love collections of letters. I hate that people have started to use texting and the art of writing letters and having these keepsakes is being lost though this tech familiarity.

I gave birth in February 2011. My uncle died in March of 2011. Grandma had to leave the farm and went to live with another Uncle. She was in her nineties and couldn't take care of herself. Dad died in July of 2011.
It just did not stop that year.

Spring of 2011 in June I started subbing at the local high school. I was still raw and I know that me reactions to some things in the classroom were out of wack. I would let things go that I shouldn't have and I would over react to simple things that were manageable.

I tried to continue subbing in the fall and pump for Bri. That was a pain to go all the way to the nurse's office to pump and try to get in and out in one class period. I dried up pretty quickly. Luckily I had surplus we could bottle feed her with in the freezer from that spring and summer and she was getting onto 10 months old at that time so solid foods were in her diet and cow's milk wasn't too far away.

I had a bit of a breakdown in December when I saw a student have a freak-out in the hallway. I was on my way to pumping anyway so I cried while I pumped. I hated people and I hated all their problems and seriously considered not taking anymore calls. Felt better after the break. I think by the fall of 2012 I'd finally managed to be in a classroom and have a more level emotional response to things. It took me two years to be able to be fully functional in a classroom even close to what I had been like before Elmira.

The reason I get so pissed and rant about that school is because on some level I feel like it ended my career. I had two years of working through the anxiety and emotional trauma because of the abuse that I had been on the receiving end of with no support from any administrator. It had used up two years when I could have been looking for a job that would have been more suited to me instead of working my ass off for that school.
I got burned. The references felt like they were useless. I know there must have been some code language in the reference the principal gave me, even though I read them, that only administrators know as red flags. I don't know those catch phrases in politics that would raise a red flag, or even more important, what comments were missing completely that would raise a red flag. Why did this principal not say this about the candidate? Does that imply she's incompetent in that area?

Those references have expired and all I have is this subbing job and a whole ton of discriminating habits that keep me from even applying to certain kinds of schools. I will not work for a charter school ever, don't care what it's reputation. I will not work in the city, don't care what the pay is like. I am very critical of public schools to the point of looking into home schooling or paying almost 100K over the next 12 years for Bri to go to private. We're already paying 800 a month for her pre-preschool experience. She loves it and we're not sweating for money so we're indulging her. She's an only child and needs the socializing.

So I have this resentment and anger toward this district in particular because I feel like they ended my career. They ruined the 12 years I've worked and toiled and moved and put off marriage and family and investments in community for that career. So I'm really pissed.

On the ironic side, didn't that school close about a year and a half later. I looked it up the other night just because I had been meaning to and it crossed my mind when I couldn't sleep after writing about Elmira last time. I found a reference to an article in a community discussion board that not only was the school closed over Xmas break but the faculty had not been informed it would be closing before the article was published. They found out from the article and they would not be able to trans to other jobs in the district. They laid off a bunch of teachers and are now condensing the two remaining high schools into one 10-12 grade building and another 7-9 grade building with the other middle schools as they are.  They might close one of the grade schools as well. That district is so burned.

On one hand the vindication makes me happy. I knew this shit was coming. The superintendent made no secret he wanted that school shut down. Board members ran on an anti-alternative platform. They not only wanted that school closed but those kids and their families driven out of town. They only said this in speeches and news articles. These delinquents don't belong here. Why should they drag the rest of us down. It was a witch hunt against poverty and minorities. I guess that answered my question: why the other two high schools were sending their minority students to alternative so we had an over 50% minority rate while the other two had under 20% each.

But now I see things going on in education that really freak me out like the common core. Hubbie asked me today would I have finished my career and left education anyway even in a different district. I'll never know.
It's amazing the difference supporting administrators and mentors can make. Mentors who actually mentor not just have the position of mentorship to make the district look good and the state happy on paper.

This common core and the politics might have driven me out. Supportive environments for new teachers are few and far between. I might have left in another district, even one like Jamestown that I loved minus the discrimination I got for coming from Buffalo. I don't know how I would have adapted to the choke hold of this new program. The local teachers here are doing well. They seem to be keeping things as similar as possible to the old ways of their teaching style while keeping kids calm. They don't act stressed or scared and that gives kids confidence in their confidence. They feel like they can trust the teacher and she knows where this is all going and how to get there.

The teachers here are really amazing. The one's north of this town are great too. I'm hoping when we move we stay close. I'm really impressed by how they are handling things. But there's no point in looking for a full time teaching job when every year more teachers are being laid off. You get a job just to be let go the following year through no failure of your own but due to budget cuts. It kills your resume and any principal looking at the record of district hopping.

I'm content with subbing. I have control of when I teach and money is not tight anymore.
I know I've said this before. I will be working on a letting go spell for this job in particular. I need to let go of the resentment and rage I've felt toward staff and students. The one saving grace was a friendship I built with the counselor there. We went out to dinner and vented to each other our frustrations. It really helped my survival that last year and I hope it helped hers as well.

I came across a card she had given me around Christmas 2009 thanking me for being a friend. It's too bad she's all the way in Syracuse. I'd love to hang out with her again.