Mid Month Ritual January

I pulled myself together, unpacked my final boxes of books to refill the library. We've finally got it down to five bookshelves. Feels good to be lighter.

I used the dragon invocations again, specific invocations to Lugh and Brigid, and the death ritual from Advanced Candle Magick by Buckland. I find his rituals to be pretty involved but this one only used 9 candles and was pretty straight forward. I got to use the candles I had made. That felt good.

I have tons of candles. I've been really industrious lately. I think I might be getting some energy back. I made candles two days ago with new molds I got from ACMoore. And two weeks ago I made tons: 6 pillars and 48 tapers. I also made candles on Saturday afternoon with Jess. She needs them for spells too.

I wrote in my BOS during the rit. I don't recall any dreams last night but that's because of the alarm clock. I can't seem to ever remember what I was dreaming when that thing wakes me up.  In the rit I focused primarily on seeing my mom happy and free.  This rit requires two more Sundays in a row so the next two will focus on family for one and friends for the other.

There's another ritual in the book that involves resolution or letting go of the past, things that hurt or anger you. I think that will be good for the next mid-month ritual. I'll need to use that for the job I wrote about and probably a few more times for specific things I need to let go of.

I know I need to call a therapist. Today is a holiday so I'll have to wait until tomorrow. I have a lot of anxiety about letting someone new into my mess. Fear of judgement probably. I remember that quote I pulled out of the sexual anorexia book about me being too close to the issues to not realize that the events were abuse and not healthy and normal. An outside person can see things objectively. I still have a tendency to water stuff down and or downplay it when contrasted with the horrible stories I hear in other books and media.

I caught myself repeatedly turning intellectual when strong feelings bubbled up. That's my armor. I helps me disconnect and stay numb and safe. I'll have to confront that as I can from here on out.