Perfectionism and Isolation

"When approval is unreachable children become ashamed."

More work with the Sexual Anorexia book:

This part should be obvious. I don't know what the goals were for me when I was a kid. I only knew disapproval or neglect from parents. Mom had her moments when she was affectionate but often I also got distance and what felt like being judged or disapproved of. I wonder if my mistakes weighed on her. Maybe she didn't realize that you can't prevent your child from making any mistakes at all, just hope to prevent the worst ones you can.  She took it personally like she had done something wrong and that guilt let to rage. My bro saw that rage more than I did. I imagine the attacks didn't help his perception of women in general. Mom attacking him and dad letting him attack me.

I remember times when I was little and crying myself to sleep. I remember suicidal thoughts in 6th grade, maybe younger. In 7th grade I wanted to run away. There was this feeling that I was a mistake, that I didn't belong in the family much less on the planet. I think that was one of the things that resonated later when I was 23 and living with the abusive X. He had had the same alien feelings as a kid and into his adult years. Weird way to connect with someone. No wonder it was doomed among other things.

If my mother caught me crying she'd tell me to knock it off, quit whining. She didn't let herself express her pain so no one else was allowed to express it. She must have been resentful that I would feel any pain at all when in an adult's eyes I would have had it so easy; eat, play, sleep. But without that human connection it was painful and frustrating. I couldn't seem to connect with other kids except for one or two. I was often the target of ostracizing and adults that cared had to make the other kids include me. I had a few good teachers that way, but it didn't erase the initial injury. Now I like to say it was because I was a witch and maybe others sensed the different-ness about me. But even that doesn't fully satisfy the questioning. How come people didn't love me, didn't want to be near me? Even the female characters that I wrote in fiction romance were restrained and distant. I couldn't seem to get them to express desire or affection. They weren't the ones reaching out to touch or to hold. The guy had to do all the work. A lot like my current marriage. Hubbie does all the reaching out for intimacy. It's rare I initiate.

In previous marriages the pressure to meet expectations led to co-dependence where I would completely change my goals, my laugh, my personality to meet the boyfriend's or girlfriend's expectations. David, Andrew, James, and the abusive X were just a few of those.

Mom had these anorexia tendencies as well. Besides the alcoholism, she also didn't eat. She would go through phases of losing weight really fast and not eating more than a meal a day. Toward the end it must have been pain from her body trying to digest food and clean the blood with failing organs, But earlier I wonder if she was martyring herself, or engaged in some kind of struggle with control or even punishing herself for imagined faults. Dad certainly let her know often enough how much she wasn't ideal.
She also tended not to bathe and would hoard money. She didn't spend money on herself even when she needed it. She'd wear the same clothes for years until one of her friends from school would beg her to go shopping, even take her out with them to get her to buy stuff. I think it was Jean that told her, "You are not poor. You don't have to worry about money. Just take yourself out and buy something new."

After retirement mom went in the other direction and filled four closets and three dressers with her clothes. She must have given herself permission to spend with the excuse she needed clothes for traveling on the vacations they took twice a year.  It was all summer clothes mostly, beach wear and little outfits for going out to dinner.

I must have learned this behavior from her. I don't have as much as she did. I don't starve myself or exercise too much, or fill multiple closets with clothes. I'm working on the list of items that indicate sexual anorexia. I hope to answer the questions and list the things that are part of the 12 steps inventory phase. The author says this really helps the therapist, having this fully fleshed out.

Compulsive Social Isolation is another issue that I need to look into that's connected to Sexual Anorexia.
I do find myself alone a lot. I don't stick my neck out like I used to and go to coffees, meetups, or get together with friends. I've always had a hard time maintaining long-term friendships.  It usually takes a lot of work on the part of the other person to keep things going. My standards are high and if I don't hear from someone in a long while I'll think that they've just dropped away and I'll let them go. I don't chase after them.
My relationships with co-workers has always been strained. I only managed to link with a couple of people professionally over the three jobs I had. Elmira being the best for that. I seemed to get along well with some of the younger people there. I went to some dinners and out to movies with a few. For some reason, no matter how open and friendly they were, I didn't feel welcome to drop in and chat or call or invite them out. Part of me told myself they were just being nice, like it was a pity. Negative self-talk apparently.

I've always been uncomfortable with hugging and touching. Casual touching has always either panicked me or angered me depending on the context. I have to coach myself into staying still and relaxing into it. I remember when the principal when I was subbing last year patted me on the shoulder as he said good morning. I froze but I smiled and said it back. I think it was pretty obvious. I may have jumped a little.
He must read people well because he hasn't done it since to my relief. Nothing was meant by it but touch is such a loaded issue that my walls are fierce, not that I suspect sexual come-ons from anyone that bumps into me, I just did not come from a household where we were touched casually, on a daily basis. It was very rare that mom hugged me. I did get hugs but it seemed like it was special occasion behavior, not every day.

I would resent others who would go out and have fun. I was invited to a few outings. I'd get really pissed when it was a bunch of people I knew and none of them thought to invite me. It may just have been as innocent as they thought I wasn't into it, or I was working or something but it always rankled me.
Sometimes I can get a bit puritanical in my disapproval of the partying type of person.

Most of my time is with family and only my husband's family. Even then I doubt I am always welcome to come over. Social situations are rife with the fear of rejection. I don't ever fully believe that I am welcome, so I never completely relax and I seem to be always vigilant for signs of rejection. This person doesn't really want to talk to me or they don't really want me here. They are just being nice because they like my husband or other friend. I tend to cut short what I want to say because I don't believe people are really interested in what I have to say.

There was this one time that I ran afoul of one of hubbie's D&D groups. I had been going to hang with them while they played, I was not the only girl there, and had gotten comfortable. My dysfunction head butted the host's dysfunction. I had entered the apartment without knocking. In my head we were welcome because they knew we were coming and we had been going for months. I had talked to the wife on my way in. The husband snapped at me about knocking, my hubbie had forgotten to warn me about this particular pet peeve. I withered. I was close to tears and sat in a chair stewing for hours, even after the host assured me that he wasn't really mad at me, that it was a mistake and he hadn't known I hadn't been warned. I never went back after that. The official reason was that I was working nights and wouldn't be able to visit and still be able to get up early in the morning for a Saturday shift. But it really was anxiety.

This break had happened right when I was starting to feel secure and calm and welcome. I was teetering on the edge of real connection and then the anger just broke it up. I couldn't bring myself to recover from it. Even now I feel a bit teary over it.

Teaching and on the job tends to be different. I seem to have more confidence and those voices don't get to me. I assert myself. Sometimes I overdo it. It's almost as a compensation. Maybe it's like the rubber band snapping.

In writing all this stuff down I'm starting to really realize how deep this all goes. The past few years I've chalked it all up to hormones, nutrition and being exhausted from work, the baby and the renovations of the house pissing me off. But as these things resolve themselves, there are fewer excuses for not being in the mood. Maybe I didn't notice this before because my anorexic periods just happen to coincide with the in-between time of relationships. When I was feeling sexually manic or adventurous I just happened to be in a relationship. I didn't notice the swings in temperament because they phased in time with my relationship patterns. Being in the same relationship for 8 plus years has highlighted how much I need to address my past and finally resolve this crap so I don't screw up a great thing.

I'm grateful he is as patient as he is, though I know it really has been wearing on him lately.

It still could be nutrition and hormonal balance, but I want to explore every avenue just in case I'm more fucked up than I thought I was when I started this quest back in October with the initial idea. I've already started trying to get more veg in and have been eating eggs and veggies instead of carbs. I'm still heavy on the carbs but today I noticed the shift in the ratio of carbs to veg and eggs. Hubbie and I will be working on a work-out plan and getting hand weights. He wants to team up for workouts which will help with motivation. I and Bri have been taking multi-vitamins and I'm working on trying to get to sleep earlier.

I have to sub-teach tomorrow so I have pressure to get to bed early.