I had a weird dream last night. It involved middle age nights and the university I went to for my first four years. I used to have an altar I made of flat river rocks and a half clam shell to hold water. It was out in the wooded area behind the dormitory I lived in, among a grove of pine trees.
This was one of my favorite places to go when I was a student there. I would go to decompress. I felt close to nature and close to spirit out there. When I first met Ally and another friend there, we went out in the middle of the night with no prior experience and walked the dirt trail by moonlight. It felt like a very magickal night. We bonded very closely that night. This doesn't reflect the disintegration later.
I brought Kelly there years later and then a guy I was dating when we first started up. I haven't been there in years. I remember the fireflies. There were so many it was like a field of stars. It felt so raw. I wondered if it was just my youth and my brain chemistry at the time. I was still emotional and invested in life. I still had this wonder about the future and faith in amazing and miraculous possibilities.
I think as I have aged I have hardened. It's like as you make choices then fewer choices are open to you. Things become more narrow and the roads become longer before you find a fork in it. Having lost my teaching path, in public schools at least, it seems to have opened up other possibilities. I just don't quite know what those possibilities are. Or maybe I don't have the courage to actually entertain the ideas that are hovering around the periphery of my mind. Self-confidence lacking I hobble my own growth.
I don't think the dreams are telling me to go back to that place. Even if I did return to the woods behind the college, it's like The Yearling, the feelings won't be the same. I can't recapture the time and who I was in the past. I have to try to find a new sense of being. But I do need to honor the person that I was.
I should spend some time remembering and uncovering things I have forgotten. Write a ritual from scratch or not write it a head of time at all. Kelly did say in her Reiki work that I had closed my third eye chakra. That was willingly. I don't think I wanted to see what lay in front of me and didn't have the courage to believe that these possibilities were open to me. I need some conviction. I need that connection with my spirit guide I once was so painfully aware of.
I think the dreams may be both a calling to remember that person who had faith in herself and bravery to go where others told her she should fear to tread. And it's also a pointed reminder as to why I shut down. In the dream I was reading a book to a child and the child wanted me to finish the book. I said "too many had died this year" and walked away. That's pretty telling. I have a long list of deaths of some pretty significant people since 2008. I've lost all connection to the family I grew up with. But I still have the anger to deal with.
These deaths weren't over one year but they've been so close together that I haven't had time to catch my breath. It might as well have been only one year. Combined with my daughter being born, there has been too many changes that the transitions have been rough or haven't happened at all.
I should consider a motherhood transition ceremony. My daughter got a Wiccaning. I need a Mother-ing ritual.
Kelly also mentioned my throat chakra being clouded and my solar plexis rotating in the opposite direction. I'll think on that some more but it might be connected to the third eye. My creativity has always been an expression of my spirituality and without input from my psychic instincts, maybe that is where the motivation to work on my arts has gone. If I can start channeling that inspiration again, I might not have this problem writing that I do.
As for my solar plexis, that's tied to survival. I've needed to shield that tightly these last few months in order to preserve myself. I wonder if that has anything to do with PTSD as well. I'll need to do some research and work on this.
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