Falling Behind Already

I am falling out of my scheduled rituals. I was supposed to do one on Wednesday on the full moon to encourage letting go of the past couple of years of stuff. On one hand I feel bad about losing ground, but on the other hand I'm not really losing too much.

I can still do the rit tomorrow night. I spent today getting stuff moved so I could start renovating Bri's bedroom. I want to have that done by her birthday. She's almost three and it's time for a big girl bed now.

I also don't feel too bad about missing the rit. It might be a sign of other slips to come but I've been getting side tracked with physical needs. Hubbie and I have been going over meal plan ideas, nutrition regimens, and ideas for working out together. The last time I had a partner in this type of stuff was back in 2002 and 2003.
He needs to lose a bit as well. We both have apple body types and those are the ones prone to heart attacks, liver disease, other organ problems and diabetes. Fat in the gut means fat around the organs.

I'll be meeting with Jess tomorrow. I have a few books on spells for jobs and money and good luck that she's been needing. Hubbie was going to make her a money spell candle a few years ago but then renovations and life got in the way.

This time she can pour her own candle and add what she wants.  She can charge it as she makes it. It's always better to have as much a hand in the creation of spell items as possible.

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I worked on Thursday and had a bit of a rough day. It was the day after our discussion, after my last post that I put up before I left for school. Exhaustion and depression hit me. It's depressing that I've numbed up over the past few years. Some of that is birth trauma, ptsd, and finally depression and anxiety from this past year or so with mom's affairs.

Some of it is resentment at having someone point out things that need to be fixed. I know I haven't had a sex drive in a while but it didn't bother me that much. It really bothered him because our drives were completely opposite.

Feeling close to tears sucks but at least I'm feeling something. I'm hoping these different thoughts and feelings might indicate that I'm starting to thaw out. I'm letting some of the stress out and little holes of relief are bubbling up.

Will still be looking into that therapist.

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Am dreading the large green journal. That book contains the worst relationship I have every had before. I haven't decided if I'm going to process the other two teaching jobs and the guy I dated before hubbie. I haven't decided if I'll just skip straight to that green book.

I'll let my dreams and feelings tell me what I should write about next. My narrative might start jumping around because I don't want to suppress something that begs to be written about because it falls outside of the linear plot I had planned for my calendar.