I've had strange experiences all my life. Most recently it had been around my mother's death. While she was in the hospital I went to visit her the second time she was there. She kept talking about going to visit family and having a large gathering in Syracuse. Syracuse was where she was in the hospital.
I remember feeling a buzzing right then, when she started naming the participants. I remember thinking, these are all family members who have died. I could feel pressure as if a lot of people were crowding in around me. I could almost see shapes of people. I remember thinking that the spirits were gathering already for her. It kinda shook me and I had quite the crying fit when I got to the car.
Later when I visited her she stopped me before I could leave. The snow storm was picking up and I wanted to get out for a good drive instead of getting stuck in the drifts. She called me over and said dad really appreciated all the hard work I was doing. My father had never expressed gratitude or approval toward me in my life. On one hand it was really hard to stop from crying because I had been doing a ton of work that weekend before I visited her. I had driven up to Massena, spent 20 hours between two days going through papers and cabinets to clean out bottles of booze, pills and organize her finances so I could tell what was going on. I washed everything in the house and boxed good clothes, hung up usable clothes and threw out damaged clothes. I was really tired.
My mother must have been having one of those psychic moments. She's always been sensitive and I almost wonder if that was part of the drinking problem. She felt too deeply, heard voices of spirits and angels and drank to keep it away. I wonder. I handled it by becoming active in the occult and finding explanations for it and protection to make the bad stuff go away. I didn't need to numb it. But Catholic school can only teach you so much about the other side. Fear of the unknown and guilt over having these powers is still much a part of many church's teachings.
I also wondered if maybe it was an actual message from my dad. When she said it my spine prickled. When a person passes over to the other side they see things differently. The flaws and limited understanding of the human brain is shed and they can finally see things in full color with full history and context in a way the human mind is not physically capable of grasping. Maybe my dad finally saw who I was and not just his perception of who he thought I was or his fear of who he thought I would become. He finally got it. Mom just delivered the message. In his own way he was her protector in life and I took on that role when mom went into the hospital and I became POA. I had been having little conversations with him all that weekend as I sorted through the house. I knew he would have dragged Ian out of the house by his skin if he had been alive and able to protect mom. The message she gave me helped me let go of a little of the rage I had had toward him from my childhood. I felt appreciated for the first time.
There have always been incidents when I was a kid where I thought I heard Mom calling me and she hadn't been. She had been thinking about me and wanted to talk to me but hadn't actually called me yet. I've known when she was on the other end of the phone and vice versa. There was one time one of the voices told her to call a boy up the street because I needed a ride back to college and we went to the same one. But she couldn't have known that he would be there because he was supposed to have spent that Xmas in Boston. He had changed his mind at the last minute and she couldn't have known that. But the voices were right. Mom had been sober at that time.
I've doubted my sensitivity to spirits and energy. Much of this doubt has come from the times that my instincts told me something was wrong and I'd check with mom or whoever I was worried about and they would say everything was fine. I'd doubt that the sick feeling in my stomach was accurate. Maybe I had been having a moment of free-floating anxiety. But now I know that most of the time mom was lying or keeping up appearances as she always did. I bet most people I knew did the same thing. I let that lead to doubting myself instead of doubting the person.
As for funerals, instinctively I think of them as useless things. To the survivors it gives ritual to mark the passing of a person, psychologically a chance to create closure, and physically to bury the dead. I've always had a hard time with them. I hate viewings and am so glad mom did not want one. When I went to Grandma Moore's viewing I was mostly just frustrated to be there, that nothing could be done and uncomfortable. The viewing had some nice parts but I was required to chat with people. I hate small talk. I've never been very comfortable around my family. When I was younger it was a constant feeling of being judged and found wanting. There's also the awkwardness of having nothing to say or contribute to the conversation. Grief is something I've always been alone with.
The actually church service was nice. They drove her from the funeral parlor up the hill passed the farm where she lived all her adult life before taking her to the church. That was very meaningful. There were some really nice speeches and talks given. I cried a bit. She was a really cool person. I'm glad to have been able to have spent some time with her in this life. I have some good memories.
But at neither my mom's or grandma's funeral have I ever felt like they were there. I haven't felt their closeness. At Sarah's and Erika's funeral I didn't feel their closeness either even having known them in life on a closer level than family. The leaders of these services don't invoke spirits to attend. That's got a lot to do with it. The Samhain rituals that I've done have been much more powerful and emotional than any of the funerals or viewings that I've been to.
If emotional catharsis is what people seek at funerals I haven't experienced it there. Maybe it's the introvert in me, but alone in circle or writing or just sitting and thinking is when these messages come in. I don't get these things in crowds of people. I've been shielding so long that any empath ability I have is heavily muted.
So besides all this emotional crap I'm working with opening up to energy. Maybe the key to is to feel safe in my environment again. It has been a long time since I've been able to do work or even just feel energy without needing to slap up as many protections as I can in that space of time. I know logically protection is necessary, but too much creates a damn that nothing can get through including creativity and inspiration.
I have been too afraid for too long. I've used my bravado to battle that fear. Vulnerability has its strengths too.
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