After Break Refreshment

"I began to feel normal. Afterall, everyone has a mother who dies someday." (Myers)

I really needed the break from dwelling on all that stuff. I've been very smily lately and playing with Bri. I've been singing and generally dancing around the house. This is a really good change for me. Twelve months of stress, anxiety and anger have really taken their toll but it's finally starting to roll off of me.

Bri has been doing really well in her pre-preschool. She made a friend yesterday. Today she had to stay longer because we met with the lawyer to fill out and sign paperwork for the property guardianship. She saw me come in and I had to walk passed her to swipe her out at the desk and she just crumbled. Her face just fell and she started bawling like I was abandoning her.  I went back over after swiping and hugged her real tight. She perked right up when I asked her to get her coat. She's been really cuddly lately and crawling in my lap a lot. I get her snuggled under the blanket and we watch cartoons. It's really sweet and I'm drinking it up.

I keep thinking about the time when she's not going to like that kind of thing. She's already got her quirks about her independence. She wants to do a lot of things for herself. Carry her dishes, put them in the sink when she's done, wipe herself after going potty, play with the kitties.  She's getting a little better at that. Not getting so excited and scaring them.

Hubbie and I are still good. Still waiting on that sex drive to return. I'm being really good with my nutrition and it shows on my energy levels. I have some tea for the reproductive organs that might help with hormonal balance. I try to get at least a cup a day in. I really should do 3 cups. I'll have to work on that.

"I learn that it's okay to be imperfect, though I was punished for it as a child." (Myers)

Hubbie has been very supportive in my craziness. He's not been pressuring me for sex which I really need.
I need to just build it up again. I think about just making myself do it to please him but that's not solving the problem and potentially making worse since I could condition myself to not like sex at all, if I have it when I really don't want it.

My faults are sometimes infuriating to him but sometimes he just cracks a joke and I'm able to laugh at myself. I get hyper sometimes and fly about the house finishing a list of things to do, or making a meal in the kitchen flying about prepping. That happened a couple of days ago. I was flitting around him like a hummingbird on speed while he tried to pour a cop of coffee. He actually backed away slowly and said, I'm going to go stand in a corner until you're done.

I really laughed at that one. I know what I must look like on the outside sometimes, kinda manic and then other days depressed. It's all due to nutrition and sleep. I think the worst of the depression from mom's death and the stress from bro's crazy shit is over.

I'm laughing and having fun again. I'm really paying attention to Bri and how she's growing. Just sucking up how great she is and how much I love her. I try to make sure I show it as much as possible and hug her as much as I can. When I told Jess I wanted her to have everything that I didn't I meant the emotional stuff. I think Jess assumed material stuff. Probably because we had been talking about the inheritance at that moment. I want her to not just be loved but to know it. So far she's happy and friendly and confident.

She shouts HI at the top of her lungs whenever we get to daycare and says goodbye to everyone as she leaves. She shouts it and waves at everybody. She doesn't seem to be too afraid of anything like some kids get. I think it's a very good sign.

Reap What you Sew

A few weeks ago she was cuddled up with me on the couch watching Equestria Girls. I had started to doze off and I felt her stroking my cheek. She was looking down at me and smiling. She said hi sweetie.
This is the same thing hubbie and I do with her when we put her down to bed, stroke her cheek and her head and talking soothingly to her. I think we've done well so far.