I had a dream a few days ago, before even the ritual from the first of Jan. In this dream Jess and I went back to my mother's house to deliver papers about the timeshares we still need to resolve. We were surprised at the house by my bro and his chick and a few of his friends. It was surprisingly not as hostile as I would have expected it to be. Jess talked to my bro and I waited in the other room. I heard his chick say something snarky about me so as soon as she showed her face and tried to act all nice I gave her what for. She stayed away from me after that. I only saw my bro once in the dream too.
I mostly toured the much changed house. By the end of the dream it was obviously not my mother's house but a farm house that had been split into a new addition portion and the original portion. You could tell where the old part started by the change in the floorboards and the antique furniture. I felt much more comfortable in the old part. The new part was cramped and plain and modern which has never really been my thing.
I think this may just be my mind trying to find some peace after all the rage and fear. If I can't have resolution in life then I'll get it in my dreams. Again, this is not something urging me to call up my bro and resolve things.
Too much damage has been done since we were kids. There's no washing that clean.
But my brain and spirit can give me peace.
I know if I were to do the thing that involves opening that door again there would be hell to pay. He manipulates people into sticking their necks out for him, getting involved in his conflicts in order to keep him calm, and taking the fall. I still remember how his chick spoke to me when I saw her that day I went to pick up the clock. It was so like myself when I was with my abusive X.
The X would prime people before meeting me about what a crazy bitch I was and then instigate an outburst. It was quite well done actually. He would prime me ahead of time with ideas, images and an ignition phrase that would trip my switch. So when we were in the moment in front of the person who he wanted to hate me, all he had to do was use the ignition phrase and I'd snap.
Once I caught on to the pattern of manipulation it became harder to pull off. Apathy became my greatest weapon.
It's sad that some people fell for the ruse. I still have friendships with those who managed to see beyond the manipulation to who I really am, and not the orchestrated situation. But I sometimes felt like I lost connection with some really interesting people like Helen, who really believed I was violent. But then, they couldn't have been that interested or worth it if they took his word for it and didn't try to get to know me beyond the veil. Perhaps not really worth it after all.
My bro is that kind of guy. As soon as he runs out of money he'll start calling family members to get more.
Not going to happen for me.
It helps forgiveness to know why someone is mean. It helps to feel compassion and understanding when you know why they do what they do. But it doesn't negate the fact that their behavior is still abusive, no matter what "good" reason they may have for being a prick. They're are still being hurtful and dangerous to be around. I'm not at the point of forgiving him and I don't know if I will ever be. But I know he is dangerous no matter what his reasons for it are. And as such I will not allow an abuser into my life or my family's life.
Second chances are rare and for good reasons should stay that way.
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