Okay, here's the part that sucks. Being this involved with the shit that has happened over the last 12 months has really messed with my head. It was the whole reason for writing all this out and ritualizing a healing practice. I knew I had depression. Given the situation it shouldn't be surprising.
I've always dealt with it myself. I've been depressed in the past but it's always been situational and environmental. It can be traced back to stuff. I think this is also environmental but I think it might be so much stuff to process that I shouldn't be doing it on my own much less than it being a question can I?
After the baby was born it was easily 9 months before sex stopped being painful. The episiotomy left scar tissue and it pinched. We had to abort sexual activity mid-act a few times. I was getting nothing out of it at best. This lack of interest may be part a habit of attitude and mind-set on one hand.
Depression for obvious reasons combined with anxiety for obvious reasons contributes chemically to the problem. I need to work through my shit and anyone who has been following this blog can see it's a slow process. I'm running into road blocks. I might need someone who knows how to ask the right questions so I'll be looking into therapy soon. Probably when I get back from work today when the baby goes down for the night.
Add to this a horrible inconsistent sleep schedule and that sucks as well. I've been doing some reading online and sleep deprivation is a huge contributor as well.
Hubbie is getting really upset. He actually cried on my shoulder last night. I was trying to get into the mood and cuddling with him. He asked me if I was in the mood and I was honest. I'm not but I could be with some help. He totally deflated after that.
I tried to explain to him it wasn't him. I gave all my romance novels away and have no interest in any romance or erotica writing or movies. I don't fantasize about hunky guys or even girls anymore. I don't masturbate like I used to. There's just nothing there. Don't take it like I don't desire you. I don't desire anyone or anything really.
I could also be early onset symptoms of menopause. I know sometimes the chemical changes can happen early.
Most likely this is due to depression and maybe some birth trauma mostly from the episiotomy. So as soon as I find a therapist who works well with me I'll be working that into this program. It's probably best given I haven't really been able to process anything in maybe a decade. I've been holding onto rage over jobs lost and moving from town to town and family issues since before I met hubbie.
Writing for healing combined with therapy to help with digging for questions and answers combined with possible supplements might be enough to get back to normal or better.
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