Both books that I have been working in are incredibly similar when following the progress of working with trauma and the mindsets that follow that trauma.
In Sexual Anorexia, the first step deals with the issue of nurturing. What is it? What does it look like? How does one grow up having no sense of it? How do you develop the ability to nurture yourself?
Desires and needs were regularly ignored which led the child to believe that they can't trust the adults around them. This leads to fear of being vulnerable or dependent. This fear and the resulting unmet needs can lead to resentment and rage. It can lead to passive aggressive behavior. Cold behavior can make others feel unneeded or wanted, and shut out emotionally and eventually physically. Internalized it can lead to depression and suicide. Sexual needs can become horrifying to this type of person. It is less scary and painful to simply turn them off. This can be habit forming. Suppressing sexual desire until a woman is sure the man loves her for who she is and is not just using her for sex is protective. But in a safe and healthy relationship this tendency is unnecessary and can become illness.
Moments when this person risks vulnerability their needs in these types of families do not get met. They are put off until it's too late and then that person is made to feel wrong because of those needs. This encourages shame, a feeling that something is wrong with you. This is different from guilt which is the feeling that you have done something wrong.
My parents used to tutor me in math. I have told people these stories laughing that I got free tutoring. But I guess is really wasn't free. It was always a fight. I just didn't respond well to the style of teaching my parents used. Mom helped me with the lower level classes. We would often argue because I didn't understand why things worked as they did. Sometimes she would simply just do the problem for me because it was just easier than yelling. I yelled at her for that. I wanted to do it myself so I could actually learn the procedure.
I had the same arguments with dad. He would always say, just do it this way. Often, I'd get shit for waiting too late to ask. I really didn't want to ask because the fights were bad. Dad helped me over the phone a few times while I was in college freshman year. I remember still having trouble but holding in the anger because he was helping me. It was a very complicated thing.
The boy I was dating at the time was a very selfish person. I remember him promising to help me with my homework because was was a math major and a couple years ahead of me in school. We had gone to dinner and he kept promising me but instead wanted to make out. He did not get far. When I realized he wasn't going to help me, we fought, he left and I ended up calling dad around midnight to get help. Dad was at least patient on the phone with me in this instance. I think maybe my parents knew what had happened. The boyfriend lied about helping me to get physical with me. I wasn't with that boyfriend for much longer. One of those times in my life I had healthy boundaries, a good idea of what was a healthy relationship and got out of it without guilt or fear of being alone. No shame either. That was a good outcome for me even if the relationship failed. I hadn't failed myself in seeing to my own needs.
In Chakras and Archetypes this type of personality connects to the root chakra and the Victim/Mother archetypes. The victim sees themselves as helpless and unable to change their lives. Life happens to them and others are to blame for their unhappiness. Often this can be expressed by ignoring their needs. I've seen this behavior in my mother who would go without self-care.
This connects well to how I am in my career relationship. I have always tended to connect my self-worth to my job status and performance. It was a value instilled in me by my parents. They were well-meaning. Our whole society runs on this "work hard and get a good job" mentality of the American Dream. It worked very well for them and their generation. It was a work ethic they wanted to pass on. Working hard has always been my thing. I'm stubborn to a fault and won't let go of a project until I get sick from exertion. I work too hard sometimes. I remember distinctly the thoughts that I've had in my head when I've lost jobs. The first few teaching jobs I had that I knew I couldn't stay at were the hardest. The first time I knew I shouldn't have even finished the year. I was ill and crying myself to sleep some nights. Thoughts of suicide. I had failed at keeping the position even though I knew it was not healthy and I needed a more nurturing environment. I knew the school had failed the kids as well and the board members must have been just as stubborn in the face of destruction as I had been.
The second position it sucked to lose. I really loved those kids. I cried a lot. I don't remember being suicidal or even really depressed and blaming myself for that one. I had a tremendous amount of rage toward the department chair who had made it her goal to get rid of me. I blamed her entirely and still believe that blame is firmly on her shoulders. I know it's the victim mentality to blame others, but discrimination against someone because of where they come from is inexcusable.
I lost a couple of jobs before Elmira that weren't really that important. Answering phones at a call center. I walked out of that one. I had a hard time dealing with people projecting their rage onto me about their accounts and previous associates they had talked to. I didn't know how to shake it off and finally just walked out on a shift. I hadn't done that before or since. I ranted quite a bit about that. Then the store manager position came and I lost that after less than a year. Corporate downsizing. The store no longer exists but I was full of blame for the district manager there. Lots of rage. I must have shifted my reaction to disappointment from shame and feeling I was unwanted. After Jamestown I thought there was something about me personally that got "sniffed out" by interviewers and employers. There was something about me that made me undesirable. In the next few jobs and Elmira I started blaming others and filling with rage over what they should have done, what they screwed up on. Oftentimes there was some smugness as I watched stores and schools closed, like things could have been different if they had kept me because I was the only one who knew what to do right. I know logically this is not the case. Schools close all the time and it does not have anything to do with one teacher's test scores. The administration made the decision to phase it out before I was even hired there.
I almost wonder if my attitude changed from shame to blame in self-defense. I can't carry the weight of thinking there is something inherently wrong with me for so long without breaking. The anger gave me strength up to a point.
I had a significant relationship years ago that left me with a tainted feeling. Like after I had gotten out of that relationship it had left a dark stain on me spiritually and I would be marked forever. That people could see that stain on me and would avoid me instinctively. I also avoided certain types of people for fear I would contaminate them with that darkness. Especially people who were joyous and happy and had faith in life, Empress types. I'll have to flesh this relationship out in more detail and exploration in another post. It's involved and I want to do it justice. I've been avoiding thinking about it for a long time. Pretending it never happened sometimes. The big green journal that I don't even like to pick up and handle.
The mother archetype, like the first step in the 12 steps, urges learning how to nurture. The victim does not know how or believes they are not worthy of nurturing. They can't accept nurturing or care and comfort from others and can't provide it to herself. The mother archetype teaches nurturing. She is able to provide those things to herself. She can model these things to her children.
The Sacral chakra also ties into this first step and the second step from the sexual anorexia book. The sacral chakra is the Martyr/Empress archetypes. The Martyr is not aware of the world around her. She does not pay attention to detail, feel her emotions or body. The denies herself in order to sacrifice so others may have. She often demands sacrifice in others as payback for her sacrifices. She resents the success and growth of others. The Empress knows how to please herself, enjoys her life and has faith in life to be happy and optimistic. The martyr believes bad things will always happen and sacrifices are either punishment of self for deserving suffering or sacrifices might made the bad things go away.
Step two also deals with pleasure and joy. In step one you seek out how to nurture yourself. In step two you pay attention to your body and those moments when you feel pleasure or child-like joy in life and yourself. You seek to develop faith in your right to be happy. Like the empress believes she has a right to be happy and that life will provide opportunity to that. We must pay attention and seize those moments.
This ties into Sensuality, or being mindful of your five senses and living in the moment. There are some great exercises for this very thing. I'll have to go through them and really flesh them out. I want to do this before getting into sensuality. It may be part of the reason why my sex drive has slipped. If I am so "busy" that I don't pay attention to the physical sensations of anything around me, I've gone physically numb. But it is a choice and if I practice mindful feeling and do the exercises to really pay attention to my body, I should be able to wake myself up again. It's going to take practice to overcome the habit of ignoring my feelings or suppressing them to focus on "more important" things.
I'll get to those questions later. I have some sanding to do tonight and a poly coat on the woodwork. That should finish half of the room's wood. I have to pick up some more, sand it down and do more poly-staining. I hope by Wednesday I can start throwing it up and put up curtains. Doing good keeping up with my schedule for reno on Bri's room.
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