Reflection on Step One, Roles and Closing

The primary role that I take in most of my relationships is the caretaker. Not in the nurturing sense, but caretaking as far as finances, getting things done and managing resources. I tend to be very practical and strategic. I'm the one that can be counted on to get stuff done without needing to be micromanaged. 

I haven't been very good at this lately due to problem with memory and fatigue. The depression really sapped my ability to function.  But my energy is finally coming back so I believe I've turned a corner for the better.

I manage paperwork, I made solid decisions and I keep track of things. I manage the filing cabinet, keep copies of paperwork and organize and decorate rooms. I have a really strong tendency to stay calm in a crisis and keep a logical head. I do what needs to be done.

It's part of the stereotypical masculine traits that I have cultivated in myself. I can suspend my emotions and focus on the job ahead. This is a strength when everyone else is running around nuts. It is a weakness later when I can sometimes not figure out how to turn those emotions back on.

This has interfered with my life in the last year because of the stress involved in managing mom's illness, care, death and estate matters. I barely was around to spend time with my family. This put a lot of stress on Bri and on hubbie, especially when it involved last minute departures. We lost the days off he had, weekends together. We also lost quality time because I was so angry all the time I couldn't stop ranting about all the horrible stuff that was going on. I couldn't relax and it made the house tense. 

Because of how busy everything was I neglected doctors visits, the chiropractor, and even lost sleep. I ate horribly on the road and while out of town. I put on ten pounds easily. I know I got so sick because of this and not just the stress hormones and sleep deprivation. 

Sexually, I just haven't been there. Being busy was the primary excuse. The drive wasn't there either so hiding behind being so busy and out of town made it easier to avoid. I'm hoping this increase in energy and happiness will lighten things up. I'll be able to flush some of these negative hormones out of me and increase libido hormones. 

I've noticed a distinct exhaustion whenever I have to work. I want the income and I like hanging out with some of the kids. Some days are really good. But I still come home tired as heck and want to do nothing but sleep on the couch. This is not helpful with Bri home from daycare. I can't manage more than three days a week without fear I'll collapse from the energy drain. Teaching does not fulfill me like it used to. And there will be layoffs again this year by the sound of things. At the very least, no new hires.

I'm looking forward to the change that is coming. I'm glad I've finally found something that is worth it and enjoyable.