I've already written about what this means in terms of the root chakra, victim-mentality and the need for developing skills to take care of yourself, or mothering yourself. I really like how clearly the chakra book explains the root chakra.
But what does nurturing look like?
Avoid extremes of Indulgence or Deprivation.
I went through periods of deprivation in college. I would refuse sexual connection with someone because I was "purifying myself spiritually". Like it was some kind of trial by fire. I think this had a lot to do with my religious upbringing. My childhood had a lot of catholic guilt in it. I would go without masturbating or romantic thoughts and be absolutely wracked with terror over going to hell. It was a very real place in my childish imagination. In college, that belief of purity through suffering was still in my head. Since my mother was very much a martyr type personality, who definitely did not take care of herself and used the art of the guilt trip like a whip, it shouldn't be a surprise to me now that I hand onto those habits. Even when those ideas jarred violently with the religion I practiced then and still practice now.
Even with the sex-positive attitude of the pagan community and the beliefs themselves, I still had to go through years of deprogramming myself.
Feeling Unworthy or Undeserving of Care
I think my mother had moments of this feeling. I know that as a kid I had a really hard time asking for what I needed including food. I would go hungry because I really didn't believe I had the right to ask for food. This probably has a lot to do with a lack of trust in my caregivers. Somewhere early in my life, probably in infancy, I developed an inability to trust that they would meet my needs. I remember distinctly times I would cry and say things like I don't belong here. I'm not in the right place. No one loves me.
I got no comfort and often resentment and anger when I was hurting. Because I was adopted, it was easy to develop romantic ideas about my biological parents coming back for me, and idealizing them as an alternative to the neglect I got from my adopted family.
On the other side, my mother didn't trust me to make decisions for myself. She felt I was going to screw everything up and so had to be told what to do with my life. She even came right out and said as much to me one night. I was really heated at her and yelled at her during a fight, you think you can live my life better than me. She said, yes. She most certainly did think she could do a better job. Something broke when she said that. I never really could bring myself to confide in her again after that. I started keeping secrets and not involving her in decisions.
These two things: my mother's low self-esteem and self-denial combined with these messages I was getting as a kid my own inherent wrongness, let to very little confidence in following my life's path. I put on a good show being confident and aggressive. I think a lot of people saw through it though. It was a loud roar not from a well conquered territory but from an anxious stance on the edge of disputed territory. I was bombastic because I was scared and wanted to psyche out potential competition. I asserted confidence because I felt anything but confident and didn't want others to pick up on that.
Difficulty separating Care from Exploitation or Abandonment
This is obvious. I was adopted and never really resolved that abandonment issue. My adopted parents were emotionally absent. They had their own mental health issues and so didn't have the energy to put into us to help us become healthy. I think this really had a lot to do with my generation. Parents had a tendency to leave us to our own devices and not really talk to us about what we were thinking or what we needed to progress.
I know that fear of abandonment informed all of my relationships. I was always waiting for the other show to drop, waiting for that moment when the person would leave. It just kept happening in friendships, romantic relationship and jobs. There was never a moment when I could feel confident and relax into the relationship. My classroom never fully got unpacked before I had to pack it up again when I was let go. Drawers were never really filled and suitcases unpacked before I moved or the person left me, roommate or lover. The "exhale" never came. I had moments when I shut down emotionally. The worst time being when I shut down to the point where I don't have any memories in color. Everything became black and white.
Even with my hubbie, who has been with me for going on 10 years, I have been tense around even recently. When we were dating I was tentative to make long-term plans in case he left me. The day we married, that morning, I told him to run while he still had the chance. He just laughed and hugged me. Years after our wedding I still would ask him why he loved me, why he stayed with me. I'd explicitly thank him for sticking by me. It's gotten better over the years, his presence showing how dedicated he is to me. But every once in a while, especially when I'm not bringing in a paycheck, I feel the sword hanging over my head.
This fear of abandonment I know has led me to stay in unhealthy relationships in the past. There was a fear that I wouldn't find new friends or new love after the old one was gone. My confidence wavered. The feeling that something was wrong with me, and no one could love me if they really knew who I was inside, waxed and waned with stress and income. The worst time was after the end of a relationship, before I managed to get out in public and mingle again, even casually in a classroom or job setting. The pain of loss combined with a lack of practice made things difficult. Adulthood is even harder, as many friendships are forged long by now and new people are not as welcome in established relationships as they are when we are in grade school, high school and college.
This dark part of my past keeps coming up so I'll have to make it a point to talk about the green book soon. It must be time to dig up that part of the past.
Overcome rules about Hardship and Character building
Working hard on boring and dismal tasks. Not enjoying the job we do but doing it for the paycheck and benefits. Not believing things will get better but waiting for retirement. Preparing for one job, doing one job for 30 plus years and retiring just to die soon after.
This is the narrative of my parents' career lives. This has been much of the block that I have experienced in relation to my own career. My stubborn unwillingness or inability to even imagine a career change this late in life, to truly find joy in something I do as an occupation. To not stick with a job because of money or the benefits. The inheritance has really helped free me from some of that.
I'm finally coming to a place where I can make real choices about what will make me happy. Not what will make me feel safe and upholding the norm. I'm pursuing something completely artistic and not intellectual. It's scary but exciting and I've gotten so much support for this change. I've been hesitant to talk about it with people but the two people I have told have been happy for me and confident I can do it and do it well. I'm really blessed in my intimate relationships in my life now.
Sexuality is Nurturing and Playful
I think I have missed play in sexuality. I think I have seen it as a task to be completely and not as something spontaneous and fun. It may have something to do with the numbing affect of suppressing my emotions, and disconnecting myself from my physical body. When I start working with Step 2 I will start doing activities that reconnect my consciousness to my physical body.
I need to be mindful of what I am feeling. Once I can turn my body back on and let myself feel again, feel physical sensation and movement, I'm hoping the joy will come back into my sexuality. I'll be more spontaneous and initiate touching and sex.
I'll throw in a few lust spells from Laurie Cabot's book for good measure.
Confront Blocks: Perfectionism, Goal orientation, Dependency avoidance
Needing to be perfect leads to shame. Everyone makes mistakes and if we beat ourselves up over mistakes, we'll never progress, much less allow ourselves to have fun and enjoy life. Morissette's song "Perfect" comes to mind. I listened to that a lot in college and I felt it really hit hard on my relationship with my parents. I think it also featured in my relationship with lovers and friends. I always felt I lost people because I wasn't ideal, I wasn't what they needed, I wasn't good enough. Perfectionism is what led to me making myself sick because I couldn't stand the idea of changing my major like I was defeated or a failure and everyone would look at me and see that in me. I had failed at life somehow when I switched my major in college, or changed jobs.
It also leads to self-defeating attitudes. I won't try to publish a book or poem because the book isn't good enough. I get stuck in the revision stage and can't let go. I'm never satisfied. I get stuck in the research phase and never take a chance with something new because I never get to the point of feeling ready. More leaps of faith are necessary.
Goal orientation focuses on being fixated on the outcome and not the journey. It can lead to dirty dealings. It can also lead to an inability to notice the beauty around us, missing out on relationships that could be spiritually significant or great friendships later on because we are so set on getting the job done. We don't stop and say thank you or give ourselves time to rest up. We miss opportunities to grow through change.
I'm really getting this message loud and clear right now.
Dependency avoidance leads to an obsessive need to do everything by yourself. This can lead to burnout and coldness towards others. Friends and lovers leave because they think you don't care and take them for granted. It's not a lack of caring, but a need to do everything yourself because you don't trust others to not let you down. You don't trust others to love you and be there for you.
I've been like this my whole life. I've always been a loner. I wore it like a badge of strength sometimes, which might point to Martyr tendencies. I would definitely have inherited some of those traits from mom.
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