I took a long break this passed week or so. Hubbie took a week off of work and we spent time with Bri, finished her room and he's been doing wiring. Two out of two rooms done.
I like this pattern of taking time out each month to relax. I've been working on my sketching skills and trying to really see details in things; shadows, textures and colors. I'm not using colored pencils yet but I'll get there once I've managed to get better at proportions and dimensions of objects that I draw.
Bri's birthday was last week as well. We had her party Saturday. She was afraid of so many people at first. She's not used to large crowds but she got excited over all the presents and attention eventually. The pizza and cake went over well with her.
So onto to month three and the third chakra and steps three and maybe four of the Sexual Anorexia book.
On the homefront, my bro didn't respond to the offers of the timeshares so they'll be put into my name and I'll dispose of them. I've already lowered the listing prices on the old advert pages. Hopefully I'll be able to unload them in the next 6 months. I'm looking forward to the end of all this. Just the taxes, the trust funds and dispersal of the inheritance checks left.
Solar Plexus located above the bellybutton about 2-3 inches.
This chakra is connected to the negative archetype of the servant. This chakra allows us to deal with others, feel self-respect, feel decisive and confident. We know what we are worth and act toward others accordingly.
In the case of the servant, there is a sense of low to no value. Even when the job is well done they do not take credit or get credit for their efforts. It is attention thirsty and is grateful for whatever it gets. It doesn't fight for recognition of hard work or skills. It depends upon others approval to feel good or valuable. The servant stays out of the way, out of sight, out of the light. It "knows its place" and is submissive.
This happens when a family has a favorite member and all energy in that family is directed toward their success at the expense of others. Often this is the father and his career. But it can be a favored child as well.
This is close to the kind of crap I felt with my family. My parents spent thousands every year of his equipment for hockey and other sports. We had to travel for games and events. I got dragged along. I managed to entertain myself. There were always other kids that got dragged along after their older siblings too and I was able to form brief friendships with them.
In light of how hovering parents are now, it was weird back them. I remember going to the hotel pool by myself, no adult or lifeguard. I wandered around the rink on both sides and met up with other kids and talked and sometimes played. No adult supervision. I was really left to my own devices as a kid. Parents do not do that with their kids now.
In my job I really ended up on this end of things. I was younger and female. I've had experiences where I have suggested something and been argued down just to have a man or a tenured teacher say the exact same thing and get applauded for it. It's really enraging after a while.
My attitude at this point is fatigue. I'm tired of being angry and constantly fighting. There'd be days when I really felt like I had concussed myself pushing so hard to make things right, to be heard and respected. Not just with the students but with colleagues. I'm moving on. I don't want to be so pissed off anymore. I want to be happy and I can't be in that kind of environment. It's toxic. I know all teachers don't have this kind of experience but I traveled down a path of one toxic environment and knife in the back after another.
The other side of this chakra is the warrior archetype. The warrior is about shedding attitudes and behaviors of the servant. We allow ourselves to feel good about ourselves. We believe we are worthy of respect and love. Not because of what we do or say but just because. We develop an ability to stand up for ourselves and live free of constriction.
This chakra is not a place to get stuck though. I think on many levels I got stuck at this one. I know that the warrior archetype has always been something I've been really comfortable with. Not as a soldier but as an activist and just in my everyday life. I've been the only person in a room to confront a wrong that is being committed and to stand up for others before. I've told students and adults explicitly that their words or behaviors were abusive and I refused to be their doormat.
But this archetype is always fighting the world around it. The basic philosophy is that of battle and combatants all around us. We are not at peace with life and we don't trust easily. Our walls are thick. Without a spiritual grounding the warrior becomes focused on job and money.
I think this is where I got stuck. I used my job and my performance as a measure of my worth. It led me to hang onto things and positions much longer than was healthy for me. I hurt myself mentally and physically trying to make something work or last that just was not supposed to.
I did the same thing is relationships. I ignored the warnings of a failing relationship, the end of love and compassion, and hung on. I viewed the death of that relationship as another failure proving that I wasn't good enough. I wasn't worthy of love. The warrior archetype would fight to prove the servant wrong.
Where I used to be confident in myself, I gave up power and believed that I couldn't find another or stand on my own. Even when I remembered specific instances of moving to a new town, setting up my own household, gaining new friends, etc. In that moment I feared I wouldn't be able to do it again and I had better hang onto what I had to be safe and not be alone.
I stayed in a few relationships that turned abusive and manipulative not out of love but out of pride. I did the same thing with jobs. I stayed at two of my teaching positions long passed when it was safe out of this fear of failure, that I was a failure, if I quit even to save myself.
I tend to sometimes inflate my ego and think that I have more control over my environment than I actually do. I didn't take into consideration that others have wills as strong as mine, decisions of their own to make and sometimes where I end up and what I go through is because of a long chain of cause and effect ripples. I don't have as much say as I think I do. I can only affect the ripples as they come and send them forth with my influence. I can't force things, or change people's minds. I can't control others.
Step two review:
Slow down our lives. Bought Hands Free Momma book about letting go of the busyness of life and paying attention to what matters. Will journal about that later.
Focus on the present. I think what I'm doing with exorcising my past in this blog is really helping. I've not ranted about the past or teaching memories life I used to. The anger is falling away. I still talk about memories and experiences but they're not rage-filled like they used to be.
Self-Awareness as spiritual growth. Becoming more aware of my emotions and where they come from has really helped me put some things to bed. Drawing has helped me be more in the moment and focus on the details. Be in the present. I'm becoming aware of my energy limits and how to read myself more. I make sure I eat and rest.
Confronting blocks around touch. I still enjoy cuddling although hubbie and I have not been physical as much as we used to be. It's been a relief in some ways. I don't feel pressured into being sexual. Not that he has ever pressured me but I feel like there's a minimum amount I need to do to keep him with me. Like if I don't respond enough and in the right way he might leave. That's my issue, not his.
I do like the handholding. he's also touched my face and held me in ways that made me feel cherished and precious. We've been doing a lot more of that. It feels like dating again.
Trusting one's own reality. I've been lucky and careful. I've been keeping much of this to myself and have only confided in two people what my process has been. Both have been amazingly supportive and even excited for me, career-wise and emotionally. I've been using my instincts about people to decide who I will tell what to. I've been trying to listen to my instincts and follow my own inner guide lately.
I think I've been doing really well. I feel so much lighter this month.
Step 3 for later. The heart chakra is next. I'll process steps 3 and 4 before I get to that.
Ritual this weekend for the first of the month. Then Ostara. The birds have started nesting in the wooden siding again. The cats are going nuts from all the chirping and flittering about by the window.
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