I'm moving through the Chakra and Archetypes book because it's really been speaking to me lately.
Tonight I had issues with holding onto some anger about an article I read. I still like to read and think politically but it might be a good idea for me to develop the ability to walk away from an argument. Some people just can't be conversed with. It gets ugly.
Too many articles are coming about from people "bragging" about what they do to get ahead financially or parenting styles or this one article about taking your kids out of school for vacation cause it's not big deal. They're not missing that much anyway. Fine, lets just fire all teachers in the first three grade levels and see how that works. They're not actually doing anything with the kids anyway according to this parent.
Self-important nonsense. She probably views the school more as a babysitter hence the lack of guilt in removing her kid.
Anyway. . .
The heart chakra is a touchy area. Actually the throat chakra is even more touchy for me and I'll get into that another night. I may write about that chakra tomorrow. This book is really reaching me right now. I have to kinda go with it or lose the flow of energy that's hitting me.
I was actually reading it while in school today and got teary. On the plus side, I had a good day. I only had to get stern and kick out one kid. She wasn't even on the role for the class, she had just tested out, but I thought I'd give her a little room to see if she would behave. She talked violence and cursing so I kicked her out. Total east side Buffalo slang, accent, body language and attitude. Don't be racist---not black.
I did have two kids who remembered me and were really helpful and friendly today. That last class of the day was full of sweethearts. Totally loved it. So a few tears were no big deal while reading the book with them in the room.
Heart chakra is from where the meaning of life emanates. It is the source of joy and unity. It is through neglect and abuse that we shut this part of ourselves down. We are born loving and trusting and learn to lose faith in life and others. We seek to protect ourselves from connection with others because it could lead to pain and wounding.
The Actor plays at love but does not actually open themselves to fully feeling it. This is the slut who sleeps with everyone but never really loves anyone. Someone who keeps others at a distance. We see this in sitcoms and reality shows where the girl is always inventing suspicions and misunderstandings in order to pick a fight with her boyfriend eventually resulting in a breakup and her emotional breakdown. 'I've been shit on once again." They fail to see how they sabotage themselves and keep others away.
Being open to love means being vulnerable. Vulnerability is a weakness, we are taught. We must fight against that at all costs. But vulnerability is how people open to each other and can achieve intimacy.
There are lots of images of "love" in the media. I'm especially alarmed at some of the teen shows I have seen depicting aggressive and violent sexual encounters--the consensual ones I mean. Vampire Diaries has some of the most aggressive consensual sex scenes I have ever seen even in adult media. This is for kids.
Love does not mean clothing tearing, biting and clawing sex. Although that can be fun, it's not love. Love is an emotion, not an action. I know it's hard to portray desperate love or deep love visually, but this grasping and vicious sex is not the right direction to go in. It conveys the Actor or lust.
This next book, Golden, is the most romantic story I've ever read. Just those few pages that the prince tells to Rapunzel. I wanted to read it at my wedding but it definitely would have bored the audience. It would have taken too long.
It's a re-telling of the story of Rapunzel. The prince, while trying to win her love, tells a story about a king and queen. The queen asked the king to build a room for her. I can't remember what her list of requirements were but they were things like keeping her warm in winter, keeping her company during loneliness, etc. The king spent his whole life working on this room with architects and stonemasons and things always seemed to get in his way. He was on his death bed and he still hadn't finished it. He apologized to her for having not done so and she seemed surprised. She explained to him that he had built her that room. The room was in his heart all along.
I don't have the book. I think I might have accidentally donated it. I searched those shelves five times. I'll order another ASAP.
This chakra ties into the steps involving nurturing yourself and knowing yourself. I've had to really get in touch with my emotions to pay attention to how I feel about certain things. Particularly in the job arena. I have had to ask myself some difficult questions about what really makes me happy. Not just the big stuff like the job, but the small stuff like mentioned in that book I'm waiting for, Hands Free Mama. Another major reason for my disconnect from this blog the past week is not only to give myself a break to digest all that I've dug up and attempted to process psychologically, but to focus on the here and now.
I didn't read these books or dwell on these ideas during the week of Bri's birthday. I just hung out with her and hubbie and enjoyed things as they happened. I was really present in the moment most of the time. A little stressed from the party and planning it. I don't thrive on social engagements. I found myself playing with Bri and listening to people, not waiting for them to walk away or my turn to speak. I felt I've been really present in the moment way more than I have been in over a year.
The case study in the book that really hit a chord with me was the one about Thomas. He was a true intellect and used his mind to keep people away. Ironically, he was also a healer and teacher. He had romantic relationships but not intimacy. He attached his sense of self to his intellect. He struggled with pride. He had trouble asking for help. This case actually stayed as he was. The author does not mention at the time of writing, that he found peace and figured out how to open his heart.
The Lover knows that she is loved not because of what she does. She loves herself and trusts in the joy of life. Negativity and challenges are part of growing up. We are who we are and don't judge ourselves. Joy emanates from these people. Forgiveness is a major portion of this archetype.
I'm reminded of a documentary I saw called Forgiving Dr. Mengele. It's about a woman who survived the Holocaust and escaped the medical experiments. She went on a quest to forgive the Nazis for her suffering. She was attacked by many other survivors who said she had no right to forgive him or them for their suffering. She struggled to explain to the others that this wasn't about them. It was about her need to let go of the pain and rage of the past. She felt a need to move on from being stuck in these emotions and free herself. Hanging on to the pain was a way of keeping those crimes alive and immortal. I don't think the other survivors really got it.
I've heard people try to explain this need before. It's always been very much a struggle for me but I feel like I'm in such a different place now.
I remember that random page I turned to in my BOS, from Seasons of the Witch. The part about the one death, when that person died nothing was ever the same. And not realizing when the deaths started that this was the autumn, a time of shedding and dying and leaving. I've entered this part early in my life. Most people don't bury their parents until well into their forties or fifties. I was 36 when I buried my mother. But her death really was the one that made the difference. Nothing was the same after that. The final link that held me to that family was severed. I'm finally able to let go in a way that I'm not constantly being pulled back there and regressing spiritually every time no matter what kind of gains I have earned and developed.
I felt like I was constantly struggling upward and then falling back; making my way to the second floor of the house of the spirit, almost to the stairway toward enlightenment and I'd fall right back down into the basement. It's somewhat my fault. I can't take credit for others' mistakes but I can say that I let myself get drawn in by charisma hiding a manipulative nature, get pulled along by someone who was incapable of intimacy at the time. I can take credit for my part in letting myself get pulled down and not listening to my instincts when they told me to run for it.
I don't think it has been years since I have been able to admit any fault in my own behavior. I've always been the one ranting that I was done wrong and hurt and abused. Yes, there was abuse. Much of it was mind games. I should have known better. Someone who made feminism and psychology a regular part of writing, speaking, reading and classwork should have seen the signs. But I was young. I got caught up in the fear of being alone. I "acted" the part for whoever I was with to avoid being alone. I'm thinking of two relationships in particular from way back, Scott and Ally.
Now I think about it, I can see how my crushing from David let to this fear. Although it existed before that I thought I had moved beyond it. I had done so much work with therapy and journaling. I had moments of confidence. But that relationship kicked it up again. And I didn't seem to be able to shake it for a long time.
I can honestly say that I've at least gotten passed that in my romantic relationship. I seem to have finally gotten something right. My motivations are pure on this one.
But I had to get to the point where I could admit my failings and stop ranting against the other person. If I had listened to my intuition I would have left and saved myself from that. But I've learned what is not healthy. I've learned to pay attention to my instincts about other people. Yes, it's deprived me of some friendships that would have at least given me a social outlet. But the cost would have been having connections that were superficial and parasitic. People who called me because they wanted something and wanted it for free.
The next exercise in dealing with forgiveness is one I'm going to have to meditate on a bit. The challenge is to connect mentally with someone who has wronged you and extend forgiveness. Starting with parents, then siblings, then friends and jobs. Ending finally with yourself. Forgive yourself for being so hard on yourself. For not listening to yourself when you had worthwhile things to say. Forgive your self-harm, self-deprivation and self-denial.
This forgiveness will help let go of the anger and pain of the past and open yourself up for love to enter.
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