The Heart Chakra: Actor and Lover

I'm moving through the Chakra and Archetypes book because it's really been speaking to me lately.

Tonight I had issues with holding onto some anger about an article I read. I still like to read and think politically but it might be a good idea for me to develop the ability to walk away from an argument. Some people just can't be conversed with. It gets ugly.

Too many articles are coming about from people "bragging" about what they do to get ahead financially or parenting styles or this one article about taking your kids out of school for vacation cause it's not big deal. They're not missing that much anyway. Fine, lets just fire all teachers in the first three grade levels and see how that works. They're not actually doing anything with the kids anyway according to this parent.
Self-important nonsense. She probably views the school more as a babysitter hence the lack of guilt in removing her kid.

Anyway. . .

The heart chakra is a touchy area. Actually the throat chakra is even more touchy for me and I'll get into that another night. I may write about that chakra tomorrow. This book is really reaching me right now. I have to kinda go with it or lose the flow of energy that's hitting me.

I was actually reading it while in school today and got teary. On the plus side, I had a good day. I only had to get stern and kick out one kid. She wasn't even on the role for the class, she had just tested out, but I thought I'd give her a little room to see if she would behave. She talked violence and cursing so I kicked her out. Total east side Buffalo slang, accent, body language and attitude. Don't be racist---not black.

I did have two kids who remembered me and were really helpful and friendly today. That last class of the day was full of sweethearts. Totally loved it. So a few tears were no big deal while reading the book with them in the room.

Heart chakra is from where the meaning of life emanates. It is the source of joy and unity. It is through neglect and abuse that we shut this part of ourselves down. We are born loving and trusting and learn to lose faith in life and others. We seek to protect ourselves from connection with others because it could lead to pain and wounding.

The Actor plays at love but does not actually open themselves to fully feeling it. This is the slut who sleeps with everyone but never really loves anyone. Someone who keeps others at a distance. We see this in sitcoms and reality shows where the girl is always inventing suspicions and misunderstandings in order to pick a fight with her boyfriend eventually resulting in a breakup and her emotional breakdown. 'I've been shit on once again." They fail to see how they sabotage themselves and keep others away.

Being open to love means being vulnerable. Vulnerability is a weakness, we are taught. We must fight against that at all costs. But vulnerability is how people open to each other and can achieve intimacy.

There are lots of images of "love" in the media. I'm especially alarmed at some of the teen shows I have seen depicting aggressive and violent sexual encounters--the consensual ones I mean. Vampire Diaries has some of the most aggressive consensual sex scenes I have ever seen even in adult media. This is for kids.
Love does not mean clothing tearing, biting and clawing sex. Although that can be fun, it's not love. Love is an emotion, not an action. I know it's hard to portray desperate love or deep love visually, but this grasping and vicious sex is not the right direction to go in. It conveys the Actor or lust.

This next book, Golden, is the most romantic story I've ever read. Just those few pages that the prince tells to Rapunzel. I wanted to read it at my wedding but it definitely would have bored the audience. It would have taken too long.

 It's a re-telling of the story of Rapunzel. The prince, while trying to win her love, tells a story about a king and queen. The queen asked the king to build a room for her. I can't remember what her list of requirements were but they were things like keeping her warm in winter, keeping her company during loneliness, etc. The king spent his whole life working on this room with architects and stonemasons and things always seemed to get in his way. He was on his death bed and he still hadn't finished it. He apologized to her for having not done so and she seemed surprised. She explained to him that he had built her that room. The room was in his heart all along.

I don't have the book. I think I might have accidentally donated it. I searched those shelves five times. I'll order another ASAP.

This chakra ties into the steps involving nurturing yourself and knowing yourself. I've had to really get in touch with my emotions to pay attention to how I feel about certain things. Particularly in the job arena. I have had to ask myself some difficult questions about what really makes me happy. Not just the big stuff like the job, but the small stuff like mentioned in that book I'm waiting for, Hands Free Mama. Another major reason for my disconnect from this blog the past week is not only to give myself a break to digest all that I've dug up and attempted to process psychologically, but to focus on the here and now.

I didn't read these books or dwell on these ideas during the week of Bri's birthday. I just hung out with her and hubbie and enjoyed things as they happened. I was really present in the moment most of the time. A little stressed from the party and planning it. I don't thrive on social engagements. I found myself playing with Bri and listening to people, not waiting for them to walk away or my turn to speak. I felt I've been really present in the moment way more than I have been in over a year.

The case study in the book that really hit a chord with me was the one about Thomas. He was a true intellect and used his mind to keep people away. Ironically, he was also a healer and teacher. He had romantic relationships but not intimacy. He attached his sense of self to his intellect. He struggled with pride. He had trouble asking for help. This case actually stayed as he was. The author does not mention at the time of writing, that he found peace and figured out how to open his heart.

The Lover knows that she is loved not because of what she does. She loves herself and trusts in the joy of life. Negativity and challenges are part of growing up. We are who we are and don't judge ourselves. Joy emanates from these people. Forgiveness is a major portion of this archetype.

I'm reminded of a documentary I saw called Forgiving Dr. Mengele. It's about a woman who survived the Holocaust and escaped the medical experiments. She went on a quest to forgive the Nazis for her suffering. She was attacked by many other survivors who said she had no right to forgive him or them for their suffering. She struggled to explain to the others that this wasn't about them. It was about her need to let go of the pain and rage of the past. She felt a need to move on from being stuck in these emotions and free herself. Hanging on to the pain was a way of keeping those crimes alive and immortal. I don't think the other survivors really got it.

I've heard people try to explain this need before. It's always been very much a struggle for me but I feel like I'm in such a different place now.

I remember that random page I turned to in my BOS, from Seasons of the Witch. The part about the one death, when that person died nothing was ever the same. And not realizing when the deaths started that this was the autumn, a time of shedding and dying and leaving. I've entered this part early in my life. Most people don't bury their parents until well into their forties or fifties.  I was 36 when I buried my mother. But her death really was the one that made the difference. Nothing was the same after that. The final link that held me to that family was severed. I'm finally able to let go in a way that I'm not constantly being pulled back there and regressing spiritually every time no matter what kind of gains I have earned and developed.

I felt like I was constantly struggling upward and then falling back; making my way to the second floor of the house of the spirit, almost to the stairway toward enlightenment and I'd fall right back down into the basement. It's somewhat my fault. I can't take credit for others' mistakes but I can say that I let myself get drawn in by charisma hiding a manipulative nature, get pulled along by someone who was incapable of intimacy at the time. I can take credit for my part in letting myself get pulled down and not listening to my instincts when they told me to run for it.

I don't think it has been years since I have been able to admit any fault in my own behavior. I've always been the one ranting that I was done wrong and hurt and abused. Yes, there was abuse. Much of it was mind games. I should have known better. Someone who made feminism and psychology a regular part of writing, speaking, reading and classwork should have seen the signs. But I was young. I got caught up in the fear of being alone. I "acted" the part for whoever I was with to avoid being alone. I'm thinking of two relationships in particular from way back, Scott and Ally.

Now I think about it, I can see how my crushing from David let to this fear. Although it existed before that I thought I had moved beyond it. I had done so much work with therapy and journaling. I had moments of confidence. But that relationship kicked it up again. And I didn't seem to be able to shake it for a long time.
I can honestly say that I've at least gotten passed that in my romantic relationship. I seem to have finally gotten something right. My motivations are pure on this one.

But I had to get to the point where I could admit my failings and stop ranting against the other person. If I had listened to my intuition I would have left and saved myself from that. But I've learned what is not healthy. I've learned to pay attention to my instincts about other people. Yes, it's deprived me of some friendships that would have at least given me a social outlet. But the cost would have been having connections that were superficial and parasitic. People who called me because they wanted something and wanted it for free.

The next exercise in dealing with forgiveness is one I'm going to have to meditate on a bit. The challenge is to connect mentally with someone who has wronged you and extend forgiveness. Starting with parents, then siblings, then friends and jobs. Ending finally with yourself. Forgive yourself for being so hard on yourself. For not listening to yourself when you had worthwhile things to say. Forgive your self-harm, self-deprivation and self-denial.

This forgiveness will help let go of the anger and pain of the past and open yourself up for love to enter.

Solar Plexus Chakra: Servant and Warrior

I took a long break this passed week or so. Hubbie took a week off of work and we spent time with Bri, finished her room and he's been doing wiring. Two out of two rooms done.

I like this pattern of taking time out each month to relax. I've been working on my sketching skills and trying to really see details in things; shadows, textures and colors. I'm not using colored pencils yet but I'll get there once I've managed to get better at proportions and dimensions of objects that I draw.

Bri's birthday was last week as well. We had her party Saturday. She was afraid of so many people at first. She's not used to large crowds but she got excited over all the presents and attention eventually. The pizza and cake went over well with her.

So onto to month three and the third chakra and steps three and maybe four of the Sexual Anorexia book.

On the homefront, my bro didn't respond to the offers of the timeshares so they'll be put into my name and I'll dispose of them. I've already lowered the listing prices on the old advert pages. Hopefully I'll be able to unload them in the next 6 months. I'm looking forward to the end of all this. Just the taxes, the trust funds and dispersal of the inheritance checks left.

Solar Plexus located above the bellybutton about 2-3 inches.
This chakra is connected to the negative archetype of the servant. This chakra allows us to deal with others, feel self-respect, feel decisive and confident. We know what we are worth and act toward others accordingly.

In the case of the servant, there is a sense of low to no value. Even when the job is well done they do not take credit or get credit for their efforts. It is attention thirsty and is grateful for whatever it gets. It doesn't fight for recognition of hard work or skills. It depends upon others approval to feel good or valuable. The servant stays out of the way, out of sight, out of the light. It "knows its place" and is submissive.

This happens when a family has a favorite member and all energy in that family is directed toward their success at the expense of others. Often this is the father and his career. But it can be a favored child as well.
This is close to the kind of crap I felt with my family. My parents spent thousands every year of his equipment for hockey and other sports. We had to travel for games and events. I got dragged along. I managed to entertain myself. There were always other kids that got dragged along after their older siblings too and I was able to form brief friendships with them.

In light of how hovering parents are now, it was weird back them. I remember going to the hotel pool by myself, no adult or lifeguard. I wandered around the rink on both sides and met up with other kids and talked and sometimes played. No adult supervision. I was really left to my own devices as a kid. Parents do not do that with their kids now.

In my job I really ended up on this end of things. I was younger and female. I've had experiences where I have suggested something and been argued down just to have a man or a tenured teacher say the exact same thing and get applauded for it. It's really enraging after a while.

My attitude at this point is fatigue. I'm tired of being angry and constantly fighting. There'd be days when I really felt like I had concussed myself pushing so hard to make things right, to be heard and respected. Not just with the students but with colleagues. I'm moving on. I don't want to be so pissed off anymore. I want to be happy and I can't be in that kind of environment. It's toxic. I know all teachers don't have this kind of experience but I traveled down a path of one toxic environment and knife in the back after another.

The other side of this chakra is the warrior archetype.  The warrior is about shedding attitudes and behaviors of the servant. We allow ourselves to feel good about ourselves. We believe we are worthy of respect and love. Not because of what we do or say but just because. We develop an ability to stand up for ourselves and live free of constriction.

This chakra is not a place to get stuck though. I think on many levels I got stuck at this one. I know that the warrior archetype has always been something I've been really comfortable with. Not as a soldier but as an activist and just in my everyday life. I've been the only person in a room to confront a wrong that is being committed and to stand up for others before. I've told students and adults explicitly that their words or behaviors were abusive and I refused to be their doormat.

But this archetype is always fighting the world around it. The basic philosophy is that of battle and combatants all around us. We are not at peace with life and we don't trust easily. Our walls are thick. Without a spiritual grounding the warrior becomes focused on job and money.

I think this is where I got stuck. I used my job and my performance as a measure of my worth. It led me to hang onto things and positions much longer than was healthy for me. I hurt myself mentally and physically trying to make something work or last that just was not supposed to.

I did the same thing is relationships. I ignored the warnings of a failing relationship, the end of love and compassion, and hung on. I viewed the death of that relationship as another failure proving that I wasn't good enough. I wasn't worthy of love. The warrior archetype would fight to prove the servant wrong.

Where I used to be confident in myself, I gave up power and believed that I couldn't find another or stand on my own. Even when I remembered specific instances of moving to a new town, setting up my own household, gaining new friends, etc. In that moment I feared I wouldn't be able to do it again and I had better hang onto what I had to be safe and not be alone.

I stayed in a few relationships that turned abusive and manipulative not out of love but out of pride. I did the same thing with jobs. I stayed at two of my teaching positions long passed when it was safe out of this fear of failure, that I was a failure, if I quit even to save myself.

I tend to sometimes inflate my ego and think that I have more control over my environment than I actually do. I didn't take into consideration that others have wills as strong as mine, decisions of their own to make and sometimes where I end up and what I go through is because of a long chain of cause and effect ripples. I don't have as much say as I think I do. I can only affect the ripples as they come and send them forth with my influence. I can't force things, or change people's minds. I can't control others.

Step two review:

Slow down our lives. Bought Hands Free Momma book about letting go of the busyness of life and paying attention to what matters. Will journal about that later.

Focus on the present. I think what I'm doing with exorcising my past in this blog is really helping. I've not ranted about the past or teaching memories life I used to. The anger is falling away. I still talk about memories and experiences but they're not rage-filled like they used to be.

Self-Awareness as spiritual growth.  Becoming more aware of my emotions and where they come from has really helped me put some things to bed. Drawing has helped me be more in the moment and focus on the details. Be in the present. I'm becoming aware of my energy limits and how to read myself more. I make sure I eat and rest.

Confronting blocks around touch. I still enjoy cuddling although hubbie and I have not been physical as much as we used to be. It's been a relief in some ways. I don't feel pressured into being sexual. Not that he has ever pressured me but I feel like there's a minimum amount I need to do to keep him with me. Like if I don't respond enough and in the right way he might leave. That's my issue, not his.

I do like the handholding. he's also touched my face and held me in ways that made me feel cherished and precious. We've been doing a lot more of that. It feels like dating again.

Trusting one's own reality. I've been lucky and careful. I've been keeping much of this to myself and have only confided in two people what my process has been. Both have been amazingly supportive and even excited for me, career-wise and emotionally. I've been using my instincts about people to decide who I will tell what to. I've been trying to listen to my instincts and follow my own inner guide lately.

I think I've been doing really well. I feel so much lighter this  month.

Step 3 for later. The heart chakra is next. I'll process steps 3 and 4 before I get to that.

Ritual this weekend for the first of the month. Then Ostara. The birds have started nesting in the wooden siding again. The cats are going nuts from all the chirping and flittering about by the window.

The Past attempts to pull me back

I got a call out of the blue tonight from Mrs. R. I hadn't called her or sent a Xmas card to her this year. After she snapped at Jess and I during the cleanout of mom's house, I cut her out.

She delivered a message to me from my bro telling me he had been fined and wasn't actually drunk in the second arrest. The blood tests proved it and he had shown her them. She gave me some line about how he was looking good and getting back into work. Then she dropped a few words about Uncle Dennis and the estate money from Uncle Darryll. She tried to press that it belongs to him and Dennis can't keep it from him.

The whole time I'm just saying OK, Yeah sounds good. Really non-committal stuff.

I told her he can just sue Dennis for the money. I think she finally caught the hint in my tone of voice. She ended the call and goodnight.

I called Jess just to get it off my chest. I had thought a few weeks back about the final check I need to mail out to him. I need to set up a trust fund for him, deposit the check into it and pay it all out. When I send the final check I was going to include a note telling him it's over, don't contact me. The family abuse ends now.

Jess agreed that he was trying to pull me back in, to get me to take mom's place and get involved on his behalf with the rest of the family. Why else would she drop the hints about Dennis?  Transparent.
He wants a replacement for mom. The wife must be a disappointment.

So I shook most of it off.  Good night's sleep should help as well. I've been free for months. It was only a matter of time before something would reach out and touch me again.

Adams called this afternoon while I was at the doctor's with Bri. She's got another ear infection. He gave her a stronger antibiotic and hopefully we'll whip it. I also got numbing drops for her ears. It seems to be helping. She's been really quiet tonight unlike the last two night where she woke coughing and crying every two hours or more often.

I'll call Adams back tomorrow and let him know about the indirect contact from my bro. I'll find out what they want as well. I'm hoping the taxes are done and just need to be signed. Probably some paperwork about the timeshares as well. I hope they called the donation place but odds are they didn't and I need to sign papers claiming them. Or better, my bro wants them and I need to sign the papers for that. I would love that. Get them off my hands.

February--Midmonth Ritual

I decided to be spontaneous last night and didn't plan a spell in circle. I used the invocations and circle casting from January the first. I used the death spell from last month. I then meditated a bit on my needs for the next months. I felt I really needed focus because I've been so overwhelmed with stuff that I've been processing. Then I focused on needing to become more connected to my body. I need to begin paying attention to my five senses and spend time just feeling the world. Listening to sounds I take for granted, the feel of objects I usually ignore like clothing and things I touch. The hope is that I'll wake up from a numbness I have been under for a while.

It was at that moment I opened the book. I almost didn't even pay attention to my hands at first. I pulled my attention to the page I had been stroking and read it.

Page 92.  The piece was called "Fall" and started on page 91 in Seasons of the Witch.
The paragraph that I really focused on was page 92 even though I turned back and read the whole thing from the beginning.

There was one paragraph that really grabbed my attention and I had quite the crying fit over it. I had to break down for a bit and let it out. That was tough. But it was what I needed right at the moment I was feeling my own numbness.

"Her life grows full of endings: parents and friends die, animals she has loved disappear in a gasp, dreams fade beyond reclaiming. She does not recognize, when the deaths starts, that fall has begun. But later she will remember. After that one, it was never the same. Never again will she hold a living body without knowing the fragility of its life, the closeness of its death."

Sensuality--Step 2 and Sacral Chakra (Sexual History Inventory)

The Sacral Chakra is actually located internally between the root and the solar plexis. It is tied to the reproductive organs. This centered is involved with developing and enforcing our boundaries, and also deciding to let some people inside of those boundaries. It is the area involved in permitting ourselves to enjoy life, passion and abundance. We give ourselves permission to be successful and loved and believe that we deserve these things.
The Martyr archetype sacrifices it's own goals, dreams, pleasure and sense of self to the needs and demands of others. Even when not demanded of it, it will put others first and then often use guilt to tie people to it.
The martyr does not believe it can change its situation, blames others for its suffering and refuses to see its part in its own path. It expects others to sacrifice as well and resents the joy of others who don't follow this path.
The Empress is the positive archetype associated with this chakra. The empress believes in herself, takes responsibility for choices and actions. She is proud of her achievements and enjoys life, her own and the successes of others. She is fun and at ease with people.

I have had moments with both of these characters. My mother was very much a martyr. She sacrificed everything to keep up the appearance of a perfect family. I don't know if her alcoholism had anything to do with the stress of keeping up appearances. She denied herself new clothing, food and the company of others. She may have not believed she had the right to enjoy herself. If this was the case it would explain where that little voice in my head came from.
I didn't believe I had the right to ask for food when hungry. I felt shame at needing a hug or comfort when I was sad. I learned to hide my pain. Like I didn't have the right to be upset when such worse things existed in the world than being adopted or losing a friend.
Adoption was an issue for me. It both presented an explanation as to why I felt I didn't fit in and wasn't really wanted by anyone, and it also provided an avenue of fantasy. I was able to invent a family in my head that really wanted me and would treat me the way I wanted to be treated. Not like many would think; desert before dinner, ice cream for breakfast, the kind of stuff silly kids dream about when they haven't a care in the world. I really just needed to feel wanted and have someone protect me. I didn't feel safe, ever in that house.

Mom seemed to resent my successes and my moving on. She always had a negative spin on things. Dangers I needed to watch out for. At a very young age she cautioned me on sex and exploration. At the same time she told me where babies came from, about my adoption, she also warned me to not give sex to boys because that was all they wanted and they'd leave as soon as they got it. Even if I did find a good man he could always die or divorce me so I needed to be financially smart and career savvy.

I don't know if this has anything to do with this constant anxiety about losing things and people I care about. it might. Combined with a pattern of holding out in order to test my date's sincere interest and having repetitive experiences of rejection after sex, I definitely think a pattern of anxiety around sex may have been established.

I was re-reading some of the journal entries from 2005 when I first started dating my current husband. In one I was describing the shear terror that holding his hand brought. It was around our fourth date and we had gone to the museum. He reached over to hold my hand and I stiffened up. I let him and then pulled away. I froze up over the fear of being open to him. The layers of rejections from my past seemed to crowd into my head and I just froze up.

Logically I know there's nothing to fear as far as rejection from  him is concerned. My mind knows that. But I think it's my subconscious, my instincts, that have this habit of anxiety and fear. Too many disappointments and hurtful relationships. It shouldn't matter now but the emotions are stuck inside.

There was a time when I was confident in my relationship. My freshman year of college I had a boyfriend briefly and recognized the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship early and ended it. It decimated my friendship base because he was part of our circle and they chose sides. Losing him I had no bad feelings about. I did it easily. He was too clingy, controlling and tried to command all my time endangering my school work. The social fall-out was really bad. I lost everyone that year. Had to start over the following year.

But I remember that confidence. I must have made a change the following year because the relationship I got into then was not healthy. The warning signs were there and the thought of breaking up with Dave also flitted through my mind a few times but I kept it going. Maybe because I only saw him once in a while due to being 6 hours away from each other. Maybe the loss of the previous year kicked up anxiety about losing social connections I had gained over the summer. Perhaps some part of my mind decided to sacrifice a healthy boundary because I was afraid of being left or alone. I was afraid of not being enough for one person.

 At this point I'm not sure, but the confident girl that dumped the bully boyfriend didn't manifest in this second relationship. I got clingy and fearful. I was expressive with him sexually but terrified of vaginal penetration.

I actually believed that irreparable damage to my body would be done if I had sex. I thought I would tear up inside, my uterus would be damaged, I'd bleed all over the place and become disabled. There was this crazy irrational fear in my head that all this could happen. I was terrified to the point of panic attacks and crying jags. We never actually did have sex. He cheated on me and I dumped him. It was a very co-dependent relationship and I was emotionally crazed when it ended.

I dated a couple more guys until Scott. That was a relationship from hell. When we first started dating he was really fun and energetic. /We took road trips and stayed up all night talking. It felt really good. It felt like a magickal connection. I knew he was smitten with me when I pulled the car over during a downpour, totally spontaneous and started splashing in the puddles and dancing. He got that look on his face. My instinctive reaction was Uhoh, run. But I didn't.

A year and a half later I was a wreck. We had moved in together in my first apartment. He brought people into my life that helped put a wedge in any healthy relationships I had from college. I lost Karol. Not a great loss but he was an interesting person and a major part of my social life. The only positive that came out of Scott's connections was Kelly. I met her through Ally and kept in contact with her when I was with him.

He wore me down. I started becoming moody, withdrawn, and pulled into some of his delusions. The coming of the anti-christ; the belief that shadows and vorlons are real forces in the universe and we had to pick a side. Like really delusional stuff. I read passages from my big green journal and am just shocked at the way my language and sentence structure changed. It's like I wasn't even writing my life anymore. I was chronicling his thoughts and plans and actions. I was repeating his language and philosophy. I wasn't me anymore. I was totally gone, disappeared.

When I met Amy, one of his love interests, after we technically broke up but still lived together in my second apartment, she hated me. Such a shame because we had so much in common. I let him pull my strings, didn't see the game for what it was, and acted out the script he wrote for me. The crazy, violent X who needs to be locked up to keep others safe. I was the dangerous one, the delusional one, the one who called the landlord to report the problems and confront the neighbor over the shared driveway situation. The one who got chased by said neighbor wielding a knife at me over that argument. I was the face of all negativity. Because I was the strong one and could handle it like he couldn't.

Amy helped me break the numbness. I hadn't even realized how numb I had gotten. Scott had been the first one I had had intercourse with. Back seat of a car. I'm not even sure it was consensual. I was having that old panic attack like I had with Dave but Scott just kept pushing through it. I remember trying to push him away. The experience was different then previous ones.  I had been sexual before with others, very good experiences even with the problems I had with fear and Dave. But Dave was patient with me, or so he seemed. He never threw tantrums or tried to actually push me. Scott threw tantrums and attempted to get physical. A year later when he tried to force me, I was physically stronger than him, he backed down when I shoved him against the wall and away from me.

I had gotten so numb that I don't remember having laughed in months, no sex drive, no social connections outside of work. It was at that time that song by Evanescence hit the air waves. Bring me to Life.
It was like a voice of the goddess coming through. I didn't see that song as romantic but a message to wake the hell up. It was that spring that I began to pretend to be his puppet while undermining his plans socially.
It took a couple of months to get out and get a new place and erase contact with him. His going to boot camp, military service at my encouragement, was the final link severed.

But even being invisible online and moving across the city didn't completely erase the stain of that relationship. I felt tainted. I felt like I had this dirty mark on me that I couldn't get rid of. If anyone got too close to me they would see that filth and hate me for it. There were really nice people I avoided like the plague because I didn't want to spoil them. I didn't want to be responsible for corrupting someone or destroying innocence. It took years to remove the ideas and programming from my head.

I dated a guy twice that reminded me of Dave and helped me resolve some of the issues of guilt, loss and fear. That felt good.

Then I met Andrew. He was so close to what I was looking for, he just wasn't looking for the same thing. There was also a few deal breakers in the mix. I had casual sex and tried to turn it into a relationship. Total typical girl mistake. They write country songs about that shit. I also had a panic attack with him. The first time I broke down crying and was terrified. He was really good with me though. That might have been part of why I wanted it so bad to work with him. He comforted me and told me I was safe. I could have mistaken his simple human compassion for real love.

I did finally accept that it would never work with him. I did a spell and released my connection with him and never contacted him again.

It was about nine months later I met my current hubbie. I moved really slow in the relationship. He told me later he was on the verge of giving up on me when I finally cuddled with him. It was absolute anxiety for me. In my entries I mention in passing, as if an afterthought or footnote, the fear I felt. It took me a while to get physically comfortable with him.

The old bullshit with Scott reared its ugly head at the beginning of the relationship when I met hubbie and later when I met Rose. He had heard of Scott and I panicked at first. I didn't want him to think poorly of me because of the association. Didn't want him to see the dark stain. When Rose mentioned she had known him, Ally and Maureen I was panicked as well. She calmed me down stating she hated him and wanted him killed. After a while it became comical. I could walk into a room and mention his full name and bet that one person at least would scream, "I fucking hate that asshole!"

When I did finally relax we were like fire. I remember not being able to get enough of him.There were many movies that got put into the player that never got watched. To this day he will remind me we watched this or that while dating and I'll remind him we probably didn't "watch" it. I have no memory of it.

When we did finally have intercourse for the first time I had the panic attack again. Totally froze up and sobbing crying. He was great with me or I wouldn't have stayed with him. I certainly wouldn't be able to be doing this level of analysis on myself and be this open and honest on a public forum if I didn't have a serious level of emotional support at home.

We've been passionate with each other for years. I remember a pretty healthy sex life with each other even with all the moving I've done for jobs. There have been periods of lapse but I don't remember any longer than a month.

In my memory things changed in 2008. Maybe things were a bit dicey before that during my jobs at the uniform store and Wilson Farms. The frustration and anger over my financial situation would numb the relaxation needed for sexual desire. But 2008 was a big year with illnesses and deaths following on swift wings until now culminating in the huge loss of my mother, my adult orphanhood status, and the insanity of my brother getting another swat at abusing me as an adult during the estate dealings.

I'm not starting with just the stuff that happened in 2008 to now without an eye to looking at earlier things.
I think the issues from childhood, the martyrdom of mom, the denial of feelings, learning to hide my true self, the shame connected to sexuality and possible sexual abuse, were underneath, in my subconscious, and periodically have surfaced once in a while. I think the stress and craziness of these past years have brought everything to the surface and I can't move forward until I deal with the muck that's risen to the top of my mind and emotions.  I'm being forced to deal with all this shit now. My body quit on me in December and that was a big wake up call for me to start healing so I don't get irreversibly sick.

I know this entry has gone a long way away from a discussion of sensuality and the Empress archetype.
The empress believes herself worthy of pleasure and success. I've struggled with that over the years. I will have to do the affirmations and meditations to build that confidence in myself. Removing myself from a toxic educational environment is part of that. Severing ties with an abusive and neglectful family is another part of that. Truly believing in myself without the negative talk will be a huge step toward a happier future.

Overcoming the martyr-programming from mom will have to be done as well. I almost want to do the twelve steps out of order and temporarily skip to the fifth step about sexual comfort. I've already inventoried my sexual history which is part of that step. Now I need to identify the negative messages about sex and about my body and come up with a new list of rules or positive messages to absorb about sex. This I hope will revitalize my energy levels.

I can use these positive feelings to develop a new script for sexual fantasies that is loving and nurturing. I can reprogram myself with joy instead of fear.

The Sacral chakra journaling assignment does include room for this kind of fantasy work. Creating images and fantasies of happy and confident experiences.

I can undo the numbness that I have developed these passed few years to protect myself from all this stress and uncertainty. Sensuality means feeling with all your five sense. Paying close attention to your body and letting these sensations in. Getting back in touch with your body. Not sex, but simple things like the feel of cloth, the smell of rain, the sound of the wind.

Ill focus on those things for now and revisit the inventory when necessary.

After writing all this I realized that I've not inventoried my relationship with Ally. It may have been too complex and my brain blocked it out. I'll have to work on that.

Reflection on Step One, Roles and Closing

The primary role that I take in most of my relationships is the caretaker. Not in the nurturing sense, but caretaking as far as finances, getting things done and managing resources. I tend to be very practical and strategic. I'm the one that can be counted on to get stuff done without needing to be micromanaged. 

I haven't been very good at this lately due to problem with memory and fatigue. The depression really sapped my ability to function.  But my energy is finally coming back so I believe I've turned a corner for the better.

I manage paperwork, I made solid decisions and I keep track of things. I manage the filing cabinet, keep copies of paperwork and organize and decorate rooms. I have a really strong tendency to stay calm in a crisis and keep a logical head. I do what needs to be done.

It's part of the stereotypical masculine traits that I have cultivated in myself. I can suspend my emotions and focus on the job ahead. This is a strength when everyone else is running around nuts. It is a weakness later when I can sometimes not figure out how to turn those emotions back on.

This has interfered with my life in the last year because of the stress involved in managing mom's illness, care, death and estate matters. I barely was around to spend time with my family. This put a lot of stress on Bri and on hubbie, especially when it involved last minute departures. We lost the days off he had, weekends together. We also lost quality time because I was so angry all the time I couldn't stop ranting about all the horrible stuff that was going on. I couldn't relax and it made the house tense. 

Because of how busy everything was I neglected doctors visits, the chiropractor, and even lost sleep. I ate horribly on the road and while out of town. I put on ten pounds easily. I know I got so sick because of this and not just the stress hormones and sleep deprivation. 

Sexually, I just haven't been there. Being busy was the primary excuse. The drive wasn't there either so hiding behind being so busy and out of town made it easier to avoid. I'm hoping this increase in energy and happiness will lighten things up. I'll be able to flush some of these negative hormones out of me and increase libido hormones. 

I've noticed a distinct exhaustion whenever I have to work. I want the income and I like hanging out with some of the kids. Some days are really good. But I still come home tired as heck and want to do nothing but sleep on the couch. This is not helpful with Bri home from daycare. I can't manage more than three days a week without fear I'll collapse from the energy drain. Teaching does not fulfill me like it used to. And there will be layoffs again this year by the sound of things. At the very least, no new hires.

I'm looking forward to the change that is coming. I'm glad I've finally found something that is worth it and enjoyable.

How will I Nurture Myself?

Since actively starting this process I have tried to keep an eye on my stress level. I've been visiting a chiropractor to get my back adjusted again. All the driving has caused muscle spasms in my lower arms, my shoulders have stiffen and sometimes spasm and my back has been out of alignment for a while.

I've been drawing, actually drawing lately. I find it more relaxing than reading a book. Not just ideas for stain glass windows but anything that has an interesting shape, texture and shadows. Just to practice my focus on details and perspective.  I brought my sketchbook with me and sketch a  idea for a window and then also sketched the pen holder on the teacher's desk. I think I've managed to recall a lot of my skills from 9th grade, the last time I took a class on this.

I'm using my stress energy and channeling it into renovating Bri's room. It does help because in my mind I'm thinking that I'm doing this for mom. She would have loved for Bri to have a great bedroom and bedset.

I'm going to look into a spa. I just have to find something that won't try to peddle beauty products at me. Maybe I'll look into alternative medicine type stuff that involves massage. That's more what I'm looking for, not that makeover crap.

SA- Step one: Nurturing

I've already written about what this means in terms of the root chakra, victim-mentality and the need for developing skills to take care of yourself, or mothering yourself. I really like how clearly the chakra book explains the root chakra.

But what does nurturing look like?

Avoid extremes of Indulgence or Deprivation.

I went through periods of deprivation in college. I would refuse sexual connection with someone because I was "purifying myself spiritually". Like it was some kind of trial by fire. I think this had a lot to do with my religious upbringing. My childhood had a lot of catholic guilt in it. I would go without masturbating or romantic thoughts and be absolutely wracked with terror over going to hell. It was a very real place in my childish imagination. In college, that belief of purity through suffering was still in my head. Since my mother was very much a martyr type personality, who definitely did not take care of herself and used the art of the guilt trip like a whip, it shouldn't be a surprise to me now that I hand onto those habits. Even when those ideas jarred violently with the religion I practiced then and still practice now.
Even with the sex-positive attitude of the pagan community and the beliefs themselves, I still had to go through years of deprogramming myself.

Feeling Unworthy or Undeserving of Care

I think my mother had moments of this feeling. I know that as a kid I had a really hard time asking for what I needed including food. I would go hungry because I really didn't believe I had the right to ask for food. This probably has a lot to do with a lack of trust in my caregivers. Somewhere early in my life, probably in infancy, I developed an inability to trust that they would meet my needs. I remember distinctly times I would cry and say things like I don't belong here. I'm not in the right place. No one loves me.

I got no comfort and often resentment and anger when I was hurting. Because I was adopted, it was easy to develop romantic ideas about my biological parents coming back for me, and idealizing them as an alternative to the neglect I got from my adopted family.

On the other side, my mother didn't trust me to make decisions for myself. She felt I was going to screw everything up and so had to be told what to do with my life. She even came right out and said as much to me one night. I was really heated at her and yelled at her during a fight, you think you can live my life better than me. She said, yes. She most certainly did think she could do a better job. Something broke when she said that. I never really could bring myself to confide in her again after that. I started keeping secrets and not involving her in decisions.

These two things: my mother's low self-esteem and self-denial combined with these messages I was getting as a kid my own inherent wrongness, let to very little confidence in following my life's path. I put on a good show being confident and aggressive. I think a lot of people saw through it though. It was a loud roar not from a well conquered territory but from an anxious stance on the edge of disputed territory. I was bombastic because I was scared and wanted to psyche out potential competition. I asserted confidence because I felt anything but confident and didn't want others to pick up on that.

Difficulty separating Care from Exploitation or Abandonment

This is obvious. I was adopted and never really resolved that abandonment issue. My adopted parents were emotionally absent. They had their own mental health issues and so didn't have the energy to put into us to help us become healthy. I think this really had a lot to do with my generation. Parents had a tendency to leave us to our own devices and not really talk to us about what we were thinking or what we needed to progress.

I know that fear of abandonment informed all of my relationships. I was always waiting for the other show to drop, waiting for that moment when the person would leave. It just kept happening in friendships, romantic relationship and jobs. There was never a moment when I could feel confident and relax into the relationship. My classroom never fully got unpacked before I had to pack it up again when I was let go. Drawers were never really filled and suitcases unpacked before I moved or the person left me, roommate or lover. The "exhale" never came.  I had moments when I shut down emotionally. The worst time being when I shut down to the point where I don't have any memories in color. Everything became black and white.

Even with my hubbie, who has been with me for going on 10 years, I have been tense around even recently. When we were dating I was tentative to make long-term plans in case he left me. The day we married, that morning, I told him to run while he still had the chance. He just laughed and hugged me. Years after our wedding I still would ask him why he loved me, why he stayed with me. I'd explicitly thank him for sticking by me. It's gotten better over the years, his presence showing how dedicated he is to me. But every once in a while, especially when I'm not bringing in a paycheck, I feel the sword hanging over my head.

This fear of abandonment I know has led me to stay in unhealthy relationships in the past. There was a fear that I wouldn't find new friends or new love after the old one was gone. My confidence wavered. The feeling that something was wrong with me, and no one could love me if they really knew who I was inside, waxed and waned with stress and income. The worst time was after the end of a relationship, before I managed to get out in public and mingle again, even casually in a classroom or job setting. The pain of loss combined with a lack of practice made things difficult. Adulthood is even harder, as many friendships are forged long by now and new people are not as welcome in established relationships as they are when we are in grade school, high school and college.

This dark part of my past keeps coming up so I'll have to make it a point to talk about the green book soon. It must be time to dig up that part of the past.

Overcome rules about Hardship and Character building

Working hard on boring and dismal tasks. Not enjoying the job we do but doing it for the paycheck and benefits. Not believing things will get better but waiting for retirement. Preparing for one job, doing one job for 30 plus years and retiring just to die soon after.

This is the narrative of my parents' career lives. This has been much of the block that I have experienced in relation to my own career. My stubborn unwillingness or inability to even imagine a career change this late in life, to truly find joy in something I do as an occupation. To not stick with a job because of money or the benefits. The inheritance has really helped free me from some of that.

I'm finally coming to a place where I can make real choices about what will make me happy. Not what will make me feel safe and upholding the norm. I'm pursuing something completely artistic and not intellectual. It's scary but exciting and I've gotten so  much support for this change. I've been hesitant to talk about it with people but the two people I have told have been happy for me and confident I can do it and do it well.  I'm really blessed in my intimate relationships in my life now.

Sexuality is Nurturing and Playful

I think I have missed play in sexuality. I think I have seen it as a task to be completely and not as something spontaneous and fun. It may have something to do with the numbing affect of suppressing my emotions, and disconnecting myself from my physical body.   When I start working with Step 2 I will start doing activities that reconnect my consciousness to my physical body.

I need to be mindful of what I am feeling. Once I can turn my body back on and let myself feel again, feel physical sensation and movement, I'm hoping the joy will come back into my sexuality. I'll be more spontaneous and initiate touching and sex.

I'll throw in a few lust spells from Laurie Cabot's book for good measure.


Confront Blocks: Perfectionism, Goal orientation, Dependency avoidance

Needing to be perfect leads to shame. Everyone makes mistakes and if we beat ourselves up over mistakes, we'll never progress, much less allow ourselves to have fun and enjoy life. Morissette's song "Perfect" comes to mind. I listened to that a lot in college and I felt it really hit hard on my relationship with my parents. I think it also featured in my relationship with lovers and friends. I always felt I lost people because I wasn't ideal, I wasn't what they needed, I wasn't good enough. Perfectionism is what led to me making myself sick because I couldn't stand the idea of changing my major like I was defeated or a failure and everyone would look at me and see that in me. I had failed at life somehow when I switched my major in college, or changed jobs.

It also leads to self-defeating attitudes. I won't try to publish a book or poem because the book isn't good enough. I get stuck in the revision stage and can't let go. I'm never satisfied. I get stuck in the research phase and never take a chance with something new because I never get to the point of feeling ready. More leaps of faith are necessary.


Goal orientation focuses on being fixated on the outcome and not the journey. It can lead to dirty dealings. It can also lead to an inability to notice the beauty around us, missing out on relationships that could be spiritually significant or great friendships later on because we are so set on getting the job done. We don't stop and say thank you or give ourselves time to rest up. We miss opportunities to grow through change.
I'm really getting this message loud and clear right now.


Dependency avoidance leads to an obsessive need to do everything by yourself. This can lead to burnout and coldness towards others. Friends and lovers leave because they think you don't care and take them for granted. It's not a lack of caring, but a need to do everything yourself because you don't trust others to not let you down. You don't trust others to love you and be there for you.

I've been like this my whole life. I've always been a loner. I wore it like a badge of strength sometimes, which might point to Martyr tendencies. I would definitely have inherited some of those traits from mom.

Victim Mindset, the Root Chakra and Step One

Both books that I have been working in are incredibly similar when following the progress of working with trauma and the mindsets that follow that trauma.

In Sexual Anorexia, the first step deals with the issue of nurturing. What is it? What does it look like? How does one grow up having no sense of it? How do you develop the ability to nurture yourself?

Desires and needs were regularly ignored which led the child to believe that they can't trust the adults around them. This leads to fear of being vulnerable or dependent. This fear and the resulting unmet needs can lead to resentment and rage. It can lead to passive aggressive behavior. Cold behavior can make others feel unneeded or wanted, and shut out emotionally and eventually physically. Internalized it can lead to depression and suicide. Sexual needs can become horrifying to this type of person. It is less scary and painful to simply turn them off.  This can be habit forming. Suppressing sexual desire until a woman is sure the man loves her for who she is and is not just using her for sex is protective. But in a safe and healthy relationship this tendency is unnecessary and can become illness.

Moments when this person risks vulnerability their needs in these types of families do not get met. They are put off until it's too late and then that person is made to feel wrong because of those needs. This encourages shame, a feeling that something is wrong with you. This is different from guilt which is the feeling that you have done something wrong.

My parents used to tutor me in math. I have told people these stories laughing that I got free tutoring. But I guess is really wasn't free. It was always a fight. I just didn't respond well to the style of teaching my parents used. Mom helped me with the lower level classes. We would often argue because I didn't understand why things worked as they did. Sometimes she would simply just do the problem for me because it was just easier than yelling. I yelled at her for that. I wanted to do it myself so I could actually learn the procedure.
I had the same arguments with dad. He would always say, just do it this way. Often, I'd get shit for waiting too late to ask. I really didn't want to ask because the fights were bad. Dad helped me over the phone a few times while I was in college freshman year. I remember still having trouble but holding in the anger because he was helping me. It was a very complicated thing.

The boy I was dating at the time was a very selfish person. I remember him promising to help me with my homework because was was a math major and a couple years ahead of me in school. We had gone to dinner and he kept promising me but instead wanted to make out. He did not get far. When I realized he wasn't going to help me, we fought, he left and I ended up calling dad around midnight to get help. Dad was at least patient on the phone with me in this instance. I think maybe my parents knew what had happened. The boyfriend lied about helping me to get physical with me. I wasn't with that boyfriend for much longer. One of those times in my life I had healthy boundaries, a good idea of what was a healthy relationship and got out of it without guilt or fear of being alone. No shame either. That was a good outcome for me even if the relationship failed. I hadn't failed myself in seeing to my own needs.

In Chakras and Archetypes this type of personality connects to the root chakra and the Victim/Mother archetypes. The victim sees themselves as helpless and unable to change their lives. Life happens to them and others are to blame for their unhappiness. Often this can be expressed by ignoring their needs. I've seen this behavior in my  mother who would go without self-care.

This connects well to how I am in my career relationship. I have always tended to connect my self-worth to my job status and performance. It was a value instilled in me by my parents. They were well-meaning. Our whole society runs on this "work hard and get a good job" mentality of the American Dream. It worked very well for them and their generation. It was a work ethic they wanted to pass on. Working hard has always been my thing. I'm stubborn to a fault and won't let go of a project until I get sick from exertion. I work too hard sometimes. I remember distinctly the thoughts that I've had in my head when I've lost jobs. The first few teaching jobs I had that I knew I couldn't stay at were the hardest. The first time I knew I shouldn't have even finished the year. I was ill and crying myself to sleep some nights. Thoughts of suicide. I had failed at keeping the position even though I knew it was not healthy and I needed a more nurturing environment. I knew the school had failed the kids as well and the board members must have been just as stubborn in the face of destruction as I had been.

The second position it sucked to lose. I really loved those kids. I cried a lot. I don't remember being suicidal or even really depressed and blaming myself for that one. I had a tremendous amount of rage toward the department chair who had made it her goal to get rid of me. I blamed her entirely and still believe that blame is firmly on her shoulders. I know it's the victim mentality to blame others, but discrimination against someone because of where they come from is inexcusable.

 I lost a couple of jobs before Elmira that weren't really that important. Answering phones at a call center. I walked out of that one. I had a hard time dealing with people projecting their rage onto me about their accounts and previous associates they had talked to. I didn't know how to shake it off and finally just walked out on a shift. I hadn't done that before or since. I ranted quite a bit about that. Then the store manager position came and I lost that after less than a year. Corporate downsizing. The store no longer exists but I was full of blame for the district manager there. Lots of rage. I must have shifted my reaction to disappointment from shame and feeling I was unwanted. After Jamestown I thought there was something about me personally that got "sniffed out" by interviewers and employers. There was something about me that made me undesirable. In the next few jobs and Elmira I started blaming others and filling with rage over what they should have done, what they screwed up on. Oftentimes there was some smugness as I watched stores and schools closed, like things could have been different if they had kept me because I was the only one who knew what to do right. I know logically this is not the case. Schools close all the time and it does not have anything to do with one teacher's test scores. The administration made the decision to phase it out before I was even hired there.

I almost wonder if my attitude changed from shame to blame in self-defense. I can't carry the weight of thinking there is something inherently wrong with me for so long without breaking. The anger gave me strength up to a point.

I had a significant relationship years ago that left me with a tainted feeling. Like after I had gotten out of that relationship it had left a dark stain on me spiritually and I would be marked forever. That people could see that stain on me and would avoid me instinctively. I also avoided certain types of people for fear I would contaminate them with that darkness. Especially people who were joyous and happy and had faith in life, Empress types. I'll have to flesh this relationship out in more detail and exploration in another post. It's involved and I want to do it justice. I've been avoiding thinking about it for a long time. Pretending it never happened sometimes. The big green journal that I don't even like to pick up and handle.



The mother archetype, like the first step in the 12 steps, urges learning how to nurture. The victim does not know how or believes they are not worthy of nurturing. They can't accept nurturing or care and comfort from others and can't provide it to herself. The mother archetype teaches nurturing. She is able to provide those things to herself. She can model these things to her children.

The Sacral chakra also ties into this first step and the second step from the sexual anorexia book. The sacral chakra is the Martyr/Empress archetypes. The Martyr is not aware of the world around her. She does not pay attention to detail, feel her emotions or body. The denies herself in order to sacrifice so others may have. She often demands sacrifice in others as payback for her sacrifices. She resents the success and growth of others. The Empress knows how to please herself, enjoys her life and has faith in life to be happy and optimistic. The martyr believes bad things will always happen and sacrifices are either punishment of self for deserving suffering or sacrifices might made the bad things go away.

Step two also deals with pleasure and joy. In step one you seek out how to nurture yourself. In step two you pay attention to your body and those moments when you feel pleasure or child-like joy in life and yourself. You seek to develop faith in your right to be happy. Like the empress believes she has a right to be happy and that life will provide opportunity to that. We must pay attention and seize those moments.

This ties into Sensuality, or being mindful of your five senses and living in the moment. There are some great exercises for this very thing. I'll have to go through them and really flesh them out. I want to do this before getting into sensuality. It may be part of the reason why my sex drive has slipped. If I am so "busy" that I don't pay attention to the physical sensations of anything around me, I've gone physically numb. But it is a choice and if I practice mindful feeling and do the exercises to really pay attention to my body, I should be able to wake myself up again. It's going to take practice to overcome the habit of ignoring my feelings or suppressing them to focus on "more important" things.

 I'll get to those questions later. I have some sanding to do tonight and a poly coat on the woodwork. That should finish half of the room's wood. I have to pick up some more, sand it down and do more poly-staining. I hope by Wednesday I can start throwing it up and put up curtains. Doing good keeping up with my schedule for reno on Bri's room.

Career Changes and Distractions

I've been spending the last couple of days getting back to my reading and doing some market research.

I'm moving on in the book Sexual Anorexia into the first of the twelve steps. I've been picking up some days subbing so I've had to put it down. It's not something you bring to school to read. Too many uncomfortable questions. When I finish this current chapter I'll go through the questions and process it.

I've also picked up another book on Chakras and Archetypes. It's really interesting. I've read up to the first chakra, the root chakra and the two archetypes involved: the victim and the mother. There are a few questions that I'll blog about when I get some time.

I'll be spending the next few days doing at least 2 hours of wood working each day trying to catch up to my schedule for renovating Bri's room. I want to have it done in time for her birthday. That means the woodwork needs to be nailed up and done by the end of next week. I'll spend this weekend sanding, cutting and poly-staining. Hopefully by Monday the boards will be ready to nail up.  The furniture hasn't arrived yet. I hope it gets here by the 17th at least.   We'll see.

I've been trying to keep this career stuff to myself to avoid other people's negativity. It sucks when you get a great idea and people hurl their skepticism at you so I've only mentioned it to hubbie so far. I'll mention it to Jess when I get to the point I want to start drafting a business plan.

I've noticed, finally!, the constant rage that accompanies teaching for me. Even the good stuff seems to have sharp edges. 13 years ago when I decided to take the path of the teacher I was filled with a rush of hope and a passion for the work. I managed to maintain that for years. I think I really let go of that after the Jamestown job. I was crushed that I had to leave and frustrated at not finding another job for two years. Then the one I got was crap. I just got so fixated on following through that I ignored the toxicity.  I'm stubborn as hell when it comes to not giving up. It fills me with panic to leave it behind me whenever I think about it and I've been thinking about it a lot since 2010.

Getting sick the way I did this December slowed me down. The soul searching I have been doing seems to have opened me up. I had toyed with the idea of making stained glass panel art and selling it. I wasn't meaning to do it really for profit as a business. I just loved it and wanted to make enough to support the habit.  But lately, with the idea of leaving teaching for good flowing around my brain, I've been asking myself what would I do with myself? Managing rental properties just isn't a real stimulating option. It's not even really a job. I'll have to manage the mowing and shoveling, the repairs and payments for taxes and insurance, but that's not going to keep me busy and it certainly won't excite me.

So I have to do something else with myself as a real occupation. I'll probably teach one more year and then let it fall away. In that time I can do the market research I need to do. I've already made a list of equipment and start-up costs. I've been drafting designs and images for panel ideas in a drafting book I've got. I developed a sigil for dragons. It popped into my head a couple of days ago while I was reading a new book on got on the history and types of dragons.

I can feel my creativity start to flow again. I've got colors, texture and shapes again flowing in my head. It's great. My energy has been much lighter and happier lately. I've noticed I don't get out of breath as much now I'm getting sleep and eating much better than I did before. That's without adding exercise to the mix yet.

Brigid is doing phenomenally. They noticed she knows all her letters as daycare. She's being social, helpful, and she's very cuddly with me and hubbie. When we talked on my birthday dinner outing, we both agreed that we are very proud of how affectionate and joyful she is. It's a good sign she's loved.

I'm very excited about the turn my occupation ideas have taken. I"m trying to keep it under control and maintain a level head so I can approach this logically and with good sense. That's why the research and why the business plan. I'll probably look into an LLC as well so keep myself safe as much as I can from litigation and I think even bankruptcy. I think, depending on the type, it can shelter your private assets from the business bankruptcy. Not that that will be much of an issue since, with a small business, if I don't make a profit I won't be able to afford to continue at all.

Really good sites for stained glass:

http://www.atouchofglassand.com/symbols.html

http://www.etsy.com/shop/GothicGlassStudio?ref=l2-shopheader-name

http://www.etsy.com/shop/Suncatchercreations?ref=l2-shop-info-name

http://www.etsy.com/shop/JBsGlassHouse?ref=l2-shopheader-name

http://www.ebay.com/sch/tlink/m.html?_nkw=&_armrs=1&_ipg=&_from=

http://www.ebay.com/sch/samadhilight22/m.html?_nkw=&_armrs=1&_ipg=&_from=


The first artist does what I'd like to do and that is combine Wicca and stained glass. The second artist approaches that niche but doesn't follow through. The studio seems more into Halloween and Gothic art than occult religious stuff.

I'll be watching the first artist closely and any others I can find to gauge pricing and advertising ideas.

Jess has an associate's degree is business so I'll be picking her brain as well.

Imbolc 2014

I did a general ritual with specificly Brigid and Lugh. A general invocation of the elements, the dragons and consecrating the circle. I used "Maiden" page 32 from Seasons of the Witch and then randomly selected "Full Moon" page 55.   The cat came up to get me during cakes and ale so I took the hint and closed the circle rather than sitting there and brooding.

Have had a few rage attacks today. After Bri went to bed so that was good. Brooding on crap from the schools I've taught at, resentment over closed-minded assholes who fucked my career over, not that I didn't help with my mental blockages and refusal to let abuse slide off the duck's back. Rage built pretty badly. Seems to have dissipated quite a bit after ritual.

Funny how that works.

The Maiden poem reminded me of the girl I was when I first left home and went to college downstate. Lots of woods to run through, fresh air and new people. I was very bold and outspoken in a way I had never been back home. I tried to hard to be in denial of my childhood at the same time I sought therapy to help work through it. I was very outspoken about injustices and wanted to take on the world. It's normal at that age to become a cause-head, and to join groups and write the paper, etc. I did as much of that as my social-phobia would let me.

I loved the fire that I was working on building in myself. I didn't take shit from anyone, until Dave. Then my self-esteem finally hinged again on another person's opinion of me.  I had to struggle to get out of that and didn't quite make it again. I'll definitely have to work on that issue in my life.

I wanted to remember and honor that girl I was tonight.

"Full Moon" reminds me how much I want to move in ritual and how much I know that it's part of the calling. Currently I have not space to move around the altar. I have no yard to use for ritual. I'm so hoping I'll be able to right that wrong at our next house. We'll see how that goes.

It's late but I'm not too tired yet. Ritual wires me a bit. I've been sleeping really well the past month or so. I'm starting to feel more myself. Still need to work on the sexual aspect of things.

Laurie Cabot has a book Love Magic that I've used spells out of years ago. They really do work. One spell involves re-igniting passion in a relationship. I might be able to use or alter that slightly to help with the situation on a magical level.

Note about grieving spell: The book calls for 3 Sundays--I've decided I'm going to do it once a month over the next 11 months and drag it out. I think it will be more effective for my purposes. So I'll revisit that spell at the center of each month.

Rose

I first met Rose through my husband. We had started dating in 2005 and he needed to get her approval on me. He valued her opinion highly. Apparently I did well because we hit if off right away. She told my husband I looked like a model and I didn't annoy the hell out of her. I guess she had a hard time getting along with girls in general.

We really got to know each other when they moved to the trailer. The apartment they were renting had a major problem with roaches. They had pet rats and a pet mouse that would eat them but it was not sanitary. They heard later that the wall had actually fallen in at the back of the apartment. Their place had been below ground.

The trailer was very much a home. Huge kitchen with an island, huge bathtub and separate shower and two decent sized bedrooms. Rose started her jewelry making business from there. She really made some pretty things. I commissioned her later to do a set of jewelry for a dress and corset set I had made.

She was an ST at the Dark Jihad: Buffalo by Night game at UB in Buffalo. Her husband was also an ST in the game. We had known some of the same people from Buffalo. When I mentioned Ally, Maureen, Scott, she had a very strong reaction to all of them. She had dated Maureen and had heard about Ally from her. I had dated Ally and heard about Maureen. Scott had made a very negative splash in her life as he had mine.
We both had that moment of panic when the names came up, probably wondering if we were still in contact and if we were safe around each other.

Rose and I did a lot of planning together. I helped her with one of the sales of her jewelry at the bellydance gathering in Buffalo. She let me sew things for her and fit her. I made a neat pirate set for her husband and her. Black tribal designs with silver skulls. It was really neat.

Rose made the greatest impact with everyone through her spiritual leadership. She was the high priestess and she held everyone together as a group. She was the hostess for all the parties and led all the rituals. Sometimes it meant having people who weren't that into it in circles, but only there for the social part of things. She was the magnetic center.

The trailer burnt down in May 2008, the night before the Beltaine gathering. I still think it was a wiring issue behind the computer. Her husband might still think it had something to do with a candle he left burning. I'm not sure. It was destroyed and they pretty much lost everything. Both of their cats died in the fire and their pet rat. We found the bodies and buried them behind her mother's house.

She and her husband stayed at her mother's house until they could find a place. I didn't really have much contact with her mother. Rose seemed to prefer to have her friends over when she and her husband(stepfather) weren't home. I never got a really good feeling in the house. It always felt like something was being held back behind a wall but nearly bursting through. Like Rose's mother just wanted Rose quiet and under control so she didn't bug her stepfather so he wouldn't be inconvenienced. There didn't seem to be much of any kind of parent and child relationship with her stepfather. More, just a tolerance of each other.

Rose managed to find a job and started doing well again. They found an apartment and got out of that oppressive atmosphere. Then her vision went and she couldn't see much of anything. Outlines and shadows I guess. She wrote on her Livejournal about the doctors having found a tumor and they were going to leave it. Hope that meant it was benign. Her husband mentioned later that around the time of their anniversary in August they had begun talking about funeral arrangements and other related things.

She died in September of 2008. I remember shock because she hadn't seemed that sick the last time I saw her. Tired sure. We had been at RedMoon LARP in Buffalo and she had worn the costume that I had made her. She looked amazing. We chatted a bit but she had scenes to run. She did seem very tired. She died of a heart attack during the night. In my head I always think of it in the trailer but have to remind myself she was in the new apartment.

My emotions were all over the place. Hubbie called me on a Wednesday. I had just started the job in Elmira and my dad had just been diagnosed with Cancer so a lot was going on for me personally. I had also just met the students I was to work with and was starting to realize the bait and switch. At first I thought he was talking about his friend Dave who had been in the hospital almost two years. I about dropped when I realized he was talking about Rose. He hides his emotions really well, but he sounded out of breath on the phone so he was really upset.

That Friday I went out to dinner with coworkers and was going to leave to drive back to Buffalo for the funeral Saturday night. I think it still wasn't real to me. I heard  The Cure on the jukebox "Friday I'm In Love" and I took a quiet moment to say hi to Rose. It felt like it was her close by.

At the funeral I was calm, then a wreck when I saw the body, then about an hour later I went a little too manic. A few of the girls got together and one of us noticed that her fingernails and lips were painted frosted pink. Oh, how she would have hated that. The only soft color I had ever seen her wear, besides the white on her wedding day, was lavender. I had a little giggle moment which may have appeared cold.

I brought some pics to the funeral as well. I had been a bridesmaid at her wedding the previous year and she had been the priestess at mine one month before her wedding. That summer had been busy. Hubbie's bro had gotten married in June, ours was in July and Rose's in August. I had gotten some pics of her before the ceremony with her mom posing to adjust her veil. It's a traditional bridal shot the other photography missed.
I made a packet of the pics for her husband and mother.

I didn't have enough time with Rose. She had been priestess to my handfasting, wedding, and all of our rituals. Her Book of Shadows still lives on with Dave who has left us for Rochester. I hope he doesn't get rid of it without offering it to one of us. I wish I had had some more time with her. We talked a lot but sometimes I felt like there was a bit of a wall there. That she was holding part of herself back. I know from what people have told me that she had some bad mood swings. She had issues with depression, anger, self-harm etc. She had been at the psych center more than once. Maybe she was holding some of that back with me. She didn't want to affect my opinion of her.

She always said that Hubbie and I were so calm. She felt grounded around us and able to relax. I think a lot of the people that came to her drained a lot of her energy from her and vented a lot of their pain and confusion onto her.

She's missed quite a lot in the years she hasn't been here. I can sometimes feel her in ritual, when I see something she might like, like a pair of docmartin's painted with flames. There's a lot I would have liked to have shared with her. That seems to be a recurring theme with me. People die and you're left with the pieces you would have wanted to share with them, the question marks. That instinct to pick up the phone or write a letter and then remembering there's no voice on the other end.