The depression and resentment has been bad enough that I finally admitted this is not going to go away on its own.
I spent my whole teens and twenties trying to purge and cleanse from the crap of my childhood. I really had it good for a while and thought I was free of it. The events since 2008 have caused a major backsliding event.
Resentment building over frustrated career goals in a flagging economy, combined with a traumatizing last job and multiple deaths, not to mention the baby, sleep deprivation, and the nightmare that was dealing with mom's estate and my crazy brother seem to have brought it all back.
It's almost like the therapy and work that I did over a twenty year period didn't happen at all.
I'm sure that some of the PTSD symptoms that I had from that Elmira job must have also been holdovers from years of physical and mental abuse from my childhood. I thought I was passed it but it triggered a return.
I've already written about the panic attacks, insomnia, rage flashes, flashbacks, etc. It's not as bad as it was thanks to a few years substituting where I was able to desensitize myself enough that I could be in a classroom without a freak out.
The loss of my libido and mood swings tell me it's not quite over.
I reached out to a gynecologist recently. She's great. She was so thorough. She spent over a half hour with me before the pelvic exam just getting to know my past, my personality, and other history. She's great. She ordered a ton of blood tests to test for signs of illness, lead levels, and hormone levels. I have another appointment with her on the 19th for the results. If we rule out major illnesses then the next step is diet, exercise and mental therapy.
It's been years since I got any mental help. I really needed it after the birth of the baby with postpartum and PTSD and depression all flaring up together. I didn't get it due to pride, I really thought it could all be explained by sleep deprivation, and no money.
The inheritance could get me a few years of weekly visits and our health care coverage is better than it was, thank you ACA.
I've been getting more sleep but the anxiety and mood swings are still enough of a problem that I can't seem to get my head out of the past. I'm still having rage conversations in my head with people who are long gone.
I don't have a lot of faith in talk therapy but I'll give it a try again. I may need medication as well. I think my brain might have such a strong habit of pessimism, getting stuck looping painful memories, and other anti-social stuff. Depression really does make you selfish. You get so stuck on your own inner shit that you are not fully present and paying attention to the people around you. You're like half living and can't really feel the joy in the moment.
I don't feel guilty for joy. I don't have survivors guilt. I think the rage comes from wanting to see those who hurt me punished. I want to see if for myself and not just trust karma to eventually take care of it. I want them to know they are wrong.
I know I need to figure out how to disconnect from that. I'll never have that satisfaction.
If a little anti-anxiety med can lift me out of that chemical habit of dwelling in the past then I could use the help. Whatever I've been doing or not doing, like avoiding thoughts, sleep, and certain environments in order to avoid the rage triggers, has totally not been working.
So yeah, I'll probably keep this blog going even though I've done what I came to do. Still planning a rebirth ceremony in December for Yule. No matter what I discover and what I end of doing to take care of these issues, I am starting over brand new.
Hoping the optimism kicks in soon.
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