Xanax sucks

So I went for my checkup and blood work review yesterday. We decided to try a couple of psych drugs to see how it would help my anxiety.  She prescribed Xanax for panic attacks and to help me sleep when my mind was racing for hours at night. I tried one last night and it sucked.

About a half hour after taking it I felt this zap in my head, like bees buzzing really loudly or an electric shock. My brain or consciousness actually shifted to hyper aware.  I've been watching a lot of ghost stories so I was like either something/ghost tried to jump into me or that was the Xanax kicking in. This morning I felt really heavy and every muscle in my body ached, my pinched nerve was acting up horribly with my arm tingling constantly. It felt like I was drunk. It finally wore off after I had lunch. I don't think I'll be taking another one of those even if the panic gets really bad. I haven't had one for a year so I might be fine. Sleeping pills it is.

I just have this problem sometimes when I get stuck on a bad memory, and my brain will play it over and over for hours at night. I can't sleep. My heart rate goes us and sometimes I get chest pains or physically ill. That's why she prescribed it. I'd rather just take a sleeping pill than that Xanax stuff. I don't have a hangover from sleeping pills.

I took the half dose of the prozac she prescribed for me and so far I just feel a little dull, like I'm kinda surrounded by water. My brain is still a little manic but my body has slowed down. I was actually slurring a bit this morning and my reaction times are off. I hope that was just the Xanax withdrawal but we'll see. I'm going to do as prescribed for the next 6 weeks and we'll see how it turns out.

I'm remembering that scene in The Simpsons when Bart was put on ritalin. He was staring at this fly on the bus transfixed by the movement of it waxing it's wings with it's hind legs. Everything felt like it was slo-mo for him. It's not as bad as that but It does feel a bit like being in a sluggish bubble.

She's got me on the lowest dose Prozac, and I'm taking a half dose for the first week. Then a full dose the next 5 weeks. I'll see her again in January to check in and see if we need to change or adjust.

So I have a problem with Avoidance

The depression and resentment has been bad enough that I finally admitted this is not going to go away on its own.

I spent my whole teens and twenties trying to purge and cleanse from the crap of my childhood. I really had it good for a while and thought I was free of it. The events since 2008 have caused a major backsliding event.

Resentment building over frustrated career goals in a flagging economy, combined with a traumatizing last job and multiple deaths, not to mention the baby, sleep deprivation, and the nightmare that was dealing with mom's estate and my crazy brother seem to have brought it all back.

It's almost like the therapy and work that I did over a twenty year period didn't happen at all.

I'm sure that some of the PTSD symptoms that I had from that Elmira job must have also been holdovers from years of physical and mental abuse from my childhood. I thought I was passed it but it triggered a return.

I've already written about the panic attacks, insomnia, rage flashes, flashbacks, etc. It's not as bad as it was thanks to a few years substituting where I was able to desensitize myself enough that I could be in a classroom without a freak out.

The loss of my libido and mood swings tell me it's not quite over.

I reached out to a gynecologist recently. She's great. She was so thorough. She spent over a half hour with me before the pelvic exam just getting to know my past, my personality, and other history. She's great. She ordered a ton of blood tests to test for signs of illness, lead levels, and hormone levels. I have another appointment with her on the 19th for the results. If we rule out major illnesses then the next step is diet, exercise and mental therapy.

It's been years since I got any mental help. I really needed it after the birth of the baby with postpartum and PTSD and depression all flaring up together. I didn't get it due to pride, I really thought it could all be explained by sleep deprivation, and no money.

The inheritance could get me a few years of weekly visits and our health care coverage is better than it was, thank you ACA.

I've been getting more sleep but the anxiety and mood swings are still enough of a problem that I can't seem to get my head out of the past. I'm still having rage conversations in my head with people who are long gone.

I don't have a lot of faith in talk therapy but I'll give it a try again. I may need medication as well. I think my brain might have such a strong habit of pessimism, getting stuck looping painful memories, and other anti-social stuff. Depression really does make you selfish. You get so stuck on your own inner shit that you are not fully present and paying attention to the people around you. You're like half living and can't really feel the joy in the moment.

I don't feel guilty for joy. I don't have survivors guilt. I think the rage comes from wanting to see those who hurt me punished. I want to see if for myself and not just trust karma to eventually take care of it. I want them to know they are wrong.

I know I need to figure out how to disconnect from that. I'll never have that satisfaction.

If a little anti-anxiety med can lift me out of that chemical habit of dwelling in the past then I could use the help. Whatever I've been doing or  not doing, like avoiding thoughts, sleep, and certain environments in order to avoid the rage triggers, has totally not been working.

So yeah, I'll probably keep this blog going even though I've done what I came to do. Still planning a rebirth ceremony in December for Yule. No matter what I discover and what I end of doing to take care of these issues, I am starting over brand new.

Hoping the optimism kicks in soon.