I've been contemplating losing a few friends on facebook lately. I've noticed that I've become annoyed when certain people post updates on the wall. I just don't want to hear from them. I don't care about their lives at this point and don't want updates, they annoy me and even anger me.
It's not them. It's just that there are people that are no longer an active part of my life. They don't live in the same city and we don't have anything in common. They were connected to Rose and for her sake I've kept in touch with them. But she's dead, like my mother, so the one thing that tied us together is no longer there and there is no longer any reason to stay connected.
I knew last year I needed help because I noticed I was lying to myself about things. I was making it more and more of a habit to pretend things were okay when they were not. Part of this process is to stop lying to myself. I worked really hard when I was younger in my teens and twenties to be honest with myself, my feelings and motivations, for any decisions I made. I put a lot of pride in that. I still made mistakes but often it was when I was deluding myself or trying to make something work that was never going to.
I need to get back to that honesty. I've been doing really well getting rid of habits and things that I was only hanging onto because they were connected to my past. But there are some people I need to shed. I have a limited supply of attention and energy and even in a pic posted on my wall, that's a minute of time and energy lost to something I don't care about or that aggravates me in some way.
I have a three year old, I have family here and all of these doctor's appointments and meetings are taking up my calendar not to mention the business I want to start and the number of hours I should be spending working on my craft to make it market worthy quality. We're still renovating the house and I've budgeted time each week over May to get a significant portion of delayed projects completed so I can move onto other ones that are pressing.
I don't want to offend anyone because I know people get really emotional over getting bounced from a friends' list but I'm at that point in my development this year that I need to consider this. I know I'm going to do it and I have a few "friends" in mind but I need to think of how. I could just do it and to hell with the consequences. I could put up a passive aggressive post warning people I'm going to do it and give them a chance to say they want to stay on my list. I've seen others do this and it seems to work well with them. I may try the second choice first.
The last time I did this I simply dumped a couple people. One got really pissed at me. Her friend saw me at work and gave me a dirty look. But I dumped her because she only called me twice in twelve months and both times it was because she needed me to do something for her. A ride and sewing skills the day before her wedding. I'm more than happy to help out a friend but if the only reason a person calls me is for a utilitarian reason, then that's really not a friendship.
There are other people I'd like to keep because I love their art and they live in the area and we still chat. There's no reason to not keep them.
Just the ones out of the area and we have nothing in common anymore. We don't celebrate together, get together, or even chat on IM. Given my limited amount of time with all I have to do, and the fact that I just can't go out at the drop of a hat, it's not supportable. Local people I'll keep. Artists I'll keep.
I may even keep the couple of people I know from my home town even though I really want to burn every bridge I've got to that place. I hate catching up with former classmates. Old friends not so much, but every time I went back there I was terrified of running into someone and having to answer that stupid question about what kind of job I have and did I keep/achieve the goals I had in high school. No one ever does and it's ridiculous to ask such stupid, invasive questions. It always follows with a why or a silence indicating they're not surprised because they never had any high expectations of you anyway.
I felt like Gross Pointe Blank when I went home. I didn't want to see people and answer questions. I hated the kids I went to high school with and celebrating anniversaries and accomplishments with them just made me grrrrr. I should have told them I was an assassin. My waistline would prove otherwise but it would have shut people up.
But people who were close friends in high school or grade school I'll keep. I like the updates from them. I don't get grrrr about it.
This is something I'll think about some more but I'll probably get around to it soon. I can't spend emotion and energy even to look at pics of people I don't have a connection with anymore. I have a preschooler. I have enough to do as it is.
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