I've hit a funk. I did do the rit this month around the 16th. Good for the blood moon this year. Not so good for keeping up with the schedule I set for myself. I'm backsliding.
I could offer up excuses being I was sick the first half of the month, I focused on gardening and house repairs. Mostly gardening. The sun is out now and we got our tomatoes in. I planted a whole row of bushes and flowers in the back. I have a few flats of flowers left to get into the garden. I'll be working on that in the next couple of weeks. I'm halfway done soldering the larger stained glass piece I've been working on. Started it before I got sick and took more than a week off until I was well enough my hands stopped shaking.
I still shake over the soldering.
Truth, I just haven't been in the mood to do much of anything. It's like the opposite of seasonal depression.
I could increase the number of hours I sleep at night from 6 to 8 and maybe that would help. Bri's been getting on my nerves due to her nib-shittery. Sleep deprivation, even if minor, sets off my temper in situations that I've been able to stay calm or laugh about it in the past.
I need to make a to do list for the month of May. I have to finish those two bathrooms and finish the two pieces of trim in the library and my bedroom in order to call all of that finished. It will free me up to focus on the trim in the kitchen, the hallway and putting hubbie in another room so I can demolish and redo his bedroom.
I need to review the things that happened in my early 20s and high school. I've been away from the analysis for a while and it feels like unfinished business hovering over my head despite the leaps I've made and the decisions I have come to.
I want to stop substitute teaching this year. I don't want to go back in the fall so I can devote a whole day to stained glass and art development. A few hours a week isn't enough to develop my skills to a marketable level. I want them to be good enough to sell. My cutting technique has dramatically improved. My soldering is still quite rough but slowly getting better. I need to put more hours into it and more regularly in order to get to the point where I don't feel it's too sloppy to sell. I've seen what gets sold online and I want mine to be just as good if not better. I've made good strides in coming up with original designs. I just need to be able to produce them cleanly.
I'm hesitant to give this up. The paycheck coming in helps a lot but I still get stressed going into work. I still resent being there. Sometimes I'll use any free time to sketch glass ideas. That helps because it makes me feel like I'm making progress toward my goal despite subbing. I've totally given up on teaching and this passed winter I got rid of all my teaching practice and theory books and tossed most of my lesson plans. I've held onto a few on the slim chance I get lucky.
Despite making the decision that teaching is bad for my mental health, I am still holding on to it by a thread. There's this little habit I have of thinking I should make use of all that college and the certification. I don't know anyone who is using their college degree as they intended. Everyone I know has ended up doing something that constitutes settling in a job. I see new teachers and I so want to talk them out of the degree. It's not worth the effort. It's certainly not worth the loans.
Even not teaching, I still get pissed over articles I read. Hubbie's getting a bit worn down by my ranting over things I can't change even if it is less than it used to be.
I might do half a year. I don't have to decide until August. Setting up the LLC and acquiring a property might help me feel more comfortable in my decision and less anxious over leaving teaching. It's not like I'm making good money in this job. It has no benefits, irregular hours and less than 12 dollars an hour pay--for someone with an MA and EdM. Not exactly ideal.
On the positive side, my baseline has gone from bitter and resentful to quiet and content. When school doesn't come up or politics pisses me off, I'm always smiling. Except for today. Today I've been angsty. Bri needs to stop messing with and taking my stuff. I don't care if it's normal for little kids. I'm not okay with it.
I did sit down and write up a wish list for houses. I'll just have to include that in the spell I do for the new house. I need to create a daily schedule for stained glass and work in some pilates for flexibility. I need to work on my tendons and ligaments. I've still been having some twitching in my right arm from the pinched nerve. It flares up now and then. My forearm muscles spasm and clench as well. I've not quite recovered from all of the driving I did last year. I only have one more month of subbing and maybe two weeks before regents.
I'll work on a fulltime schedule for glass panels and exercise it this summer. It would be wonderful if I could get some of my simpler designs on the market by September. We'll see how I progress.
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