I've hit a funk. I did do the rit this month around the 16th. Good for the blood moon this year. Not so good for keeping up with the schedule I set for myself. I'm backsliding.
I could offer up excuses being I was sick the first half of the month, I focused on gardening and house repairs. Mostly gardening. The sun is out now and we got our tomatoes in. I planted a whole row of bushes and flowers in the back. I have a few flats of flowers left to get into the garden. I'll be working on that in the next couple of weeks. I'm halfway done soldering the larger stained glass piece I've been working on. Started it before I got sick and took more than a week off until I was well enough my hands stopped shaking.
I still shake over the soldering.
Truth, I just haven't been in the mood to do much of anything. It's like the opposite of seasonal depression.
I could increase the number of hours I sleep at night from 6 to 8 and maybe that would help. Bri's been getting on my nerves due to her nib-shittery. Sleep deprivation, even if minor, sets off my temper in situations that I've been able to stay calm or laugh about it in the past.
I need to make a to do list for the month of May. I have to finish those two bathrooms and finish the two pieces of trim in the library and my bedroom in order to call all of that finished. It will free me up to focus on the trim in the kitchen, the hallway and putting hubbie in another room so I can demolish and redo his bedroom.
I need to review the things that happened in my early 20s and high school. I've been away from the analysis for a while and it feels like unfinished business hovering over my head despite the leaps I've made and the decisions I have come to.
I want to stop substitute teaching this year. I don't want to go back in the fall so I can devote a whole day to stained glass and art development. A few hours a week isn't enough to develop my skills to a marketable level. I want them to be good enough to sell. My cutting technique has dramatically improved. My soldering is still quite rough but slowly getting better. I need to put more hours into it and more regularly in order to get to the point where I don't feel it's too sloppy to sell. I've seen what gets sold online and I want mine to be just as good if not better. I've made good strides in coming up with original designs. I just need to be able to produce them cleanly.
I'm hesitant to give this up. The paycheck coming in helps a lot but I still get stressed going into work. I still resent being there. Sometimes I'll use any free time to sketch glass ideas. That helps because it makes me feel like I'm making progress toward my goal despite subbing. I've totally given up on teaching and this passed winter I got rid of all my teaching practice and theory books and tossed most of my lesson plans. I've held onto a few on the slim chance I get lucky.
Despite making the decision that teaching is bad for my mental health, I am still holding on to it by a thread. There's this little habit I have of thinking I should make use of all that college and the certification. I don't know anyone who is using their college degree as they intended. Everyone I know has ended up doing something that constitutes settling in a job. I see new teachers and I so want to talk them out of the degree. It's not worth the effort. It's certainly not worth the loans.
Even not teaching, I still get pissed over articles I read. Hubbie's getting a bit worn down by my ranting over things I can't change even if it is less than it used to be.
I might do half a year. I don't have to decide until August. Setting up the LLC and acquiring a property might help me feel more comfortable in my decision and less anxious over leaving teaching. It's not like I'm making good money in this job. It has no benefits, irregular hours and less than 12 dollars an hour pay--for someone with an MA and EdM. Not exactly ideal.
On the positive side, my baseline has gone from bitter and resentful to quiet and content. When school doesn't come up or politics pisses me off, I'm always smiling. Except for today. Today I've been angsty. Bri needs to stop messing with and taking my stuff. I don't care if it's normal for little kids. I'm not okay with it.
I did sit down and write up a wish list for houses. I'll just have to include that in the spell I do for the new house. I need to create a daily schedule for stained glass and work in some pilates for flexibility. I need to work on my tendons and ligaments. I've still been having some twitching in my right arm from the pinched nerve. It flares up now and then. My forearm muscles spasm and clench as well. I've not quite recovered from all of the driving I did last year. I only have one more month of subbing and maybe two weeks before regents.
I'll work on a fulltime schedule for glass panels and exercise it this summer. It would be wonderful if I could get some of my simpler designs on the market by September. We'll see how I progress.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Monday, April 14, 2014
Weird Dreams
Had some weird dreams last night that have oddly put me back on track.
Lately I've been wrapped up with another illness, about a week long this time. My immune system seems to be getting stronger. Must be the sunlight and heat. I've also been putting all of my energy into Bri and glasswork. Created an original piece I'm still not fully happy with but I redrew the lines and it looks better for the second time I cut it.
Bri has been doing well with her speech. That's taking some worry off of our shoulders.
The dreams were of a road trip when I was in 6th grade. I never went on an overnight in 6th grade but it must have been drawing on the trips I took in 7th grade and 10th grade. In this dream I was left behind at a bookstore. The bus left without me. I just felt this rage at being forgotten, like I was invisible. Even with a list of names I didn't seem to count.
It reminded me of the 7th grade trip I took to Boston. Besides having roommates that never shut the hell up so I was sleep deprived for five days, I was excluded from any group outings. The only group outing that I remember was the bus stopping at a shopping mall so we could get some snacks. We were supposed to stay in groups of four and none of the other kids wanted me in their group. I think the adults were going to get a nip at the pub so they didn't want me there either. Probably annoyed at me staying close to them during the whole trip anyway. So I stayed near the bus and didn't get to eat or even browse.
I remember getting back to the pickup point at the school. I know I must have embarrassed mom but I had a total melt down. I didn't think about how it made her look to the other parents. I must have seemed like a really spoiled and pampered kid who freaked out over not being doted over for a few days. But I was sleep deprived and excluded from everything. Even the adults had shunned me so I was raring to go when she asked me how it went. I remember screaming about how horrible it was and I never wanted to do it again.
I don't remember the exact words. I didn't go to DC in 8th grade because of that.
I'm glad in a way because I know the same thing would have happened. I would have had shitty roommates and been hungry and sleep deprived again, excluded from all group outings. My real friends didn't have the kind of money that my parents did and so they couldn't go with me on these trips.
In high school I didn't want to miss out on a trip to France because of petty shit so I ignored a lot of the crap that got dished out onto me from the other kids. The kids my age treated me the same way they had in middle school and so I was excluded form their outings and also from being roommates with any of them.I ended up in a room with three older girls. Melody, Felicity and Amy. Amy started in on me from the beginning. She stepped into the middle ofmy suitcase, said I was getting my grease and dirt on her stuff, etc. I went hungry a few nights because they wouldn't split a pizza with me and I wasn't gonna buy a whole one for myself. When I went out to dinner with them one night they spilled soda onto my plate before I even ate anything. Mostly it was Amy. I think she put her boyfriend up to it that time.
I loved the places we went but the people I was with were at best, apathetic. I got in trouble one night because the girls went me to knock on one of the boys' doors. I guess I interpreted their request as a chance to fit in a bit and so I did it knowing it was wrong. The teacher was hanging out on the stairwell chaperoning. As a teacher and a parent she really was the best. Any responsible adult would have done the same. So I got screamed at although her language included the other girls. I think she knew I was put up to it. It was the only time any of those girls apologized to me. Ofcourse Amy was not one of them. Just the other two.
Amy finally backed off on the last day when she came really close to getting the shit kicked out of her. I had gotten a lock of hair decoratively wrapped with thread at the Pompidou Center from one of the street vendors. Amy yanked on it and said something like "you think you're so cool." I had one of those moment when I actually saw red. There is this rage that manifests as heat that flows from the spinal column up over the back of the head and crests right over the eyes in red vision. I've learned since childhood to stay perfectly still and let the wave crash and recede in order stop myself from a violent outburst. Being raised in a violent household I've learned to be afraid of my temper. You can't marinate in violence half your life and not take some of it into you. So I've learned techniques to keep myself under control.
I think Felicity saw that in my face. Somehow she knew enough was enough and laid into Amy to back off.
I don't know if she really knew how close I was. She was the quiet one out of the three so I imagine her empath level was higher than the louder girls in the group.
It was not an ideal environment. I loved the experience and loved the places I visited but hated the people I was with.
I think some of these high school and grade schools issues are coming up because of my fears of what Bri may have to deal with at school. I saw how a girl who was a year older than her looked at Bri when Bri sat next to her at the breakfast table. Like she wanted to move away but was stopping herself just to be polite.
Bri is a rough and tumble kid. She gets bruises and scrapes from climbing on things and running in the grass. She's not dainty. Maybe that offends some of the girlier girls. I recognized this girl as one of the ones that wears sparkly dresses everyday and directs the dollhouse playgroup.
I do worry about how I'm going to prepare her to deal with other kids bullshit. It's easy to put her into Tae Kwan Do and hope that she can at least defend herself from physical attacks but emotional attacks are harder. They can be really subtle in body language, intonation and simple "forgetting" that someone else is there.
How do I help prepare her psychologically without falling into some cheesy pop-psych cliche? Much of it she's just going to have to learn the hard way. I'm bracing myself for the first crying session when some kid has to be an asshole and not pick her for a team or call her fat just because she's well fed and has an athletic build.
We've got strong bones and defensive linemen build in this family. I can benchpress hubbie's upper body.
Hehe. I guess I'll just take it as it comes.
Lately I've been wrapped up with another illness, about a week long this time. My immune system seems to be getting stronger. Must be the sunlight and heat. I've also been putting all of my energy into Bri and glasswork. Created an original piece I'm still not fully happy with but I redrew the lines and it looks better for the second time I cut it.
Bri has been doing well with her speech. That's taking some worry off of our shoulders.
The dreams were of a road trip when I was in 6th grade. I never went on an overnight in 6th grade but it must have been drawing on the trips I took in 7th grade and 10th grade. In this dream I was left behind at a bookstore. The bus left without me. I just felt this rage at being forgotten, like I was invisible. Even with a list of names I didn't seem to count.
It reminded me of the 7th grade trip I took to Boston. Besides having roommates that never shut the hell up so I was sleep deprived for five days, I was excluded from any group outings. The only group outing that I remember was the bus stopping at a shopping mall so we could get some snacks. We were supposed to stay in groups of four and none of the other kids wanted me in their group. I think the adults were going to get a nip at the pub so they didn't want me there either. Probably annoyed at me staying close to them during the whole trip anyway. So I stayed near the bus and didn't get to eat or even browse.
I remember getting back to the pickup point at the school. I know I must have embarrassed mom but I had a total melt down. I didn't think about how it made her look to the other parents. I must have seemed like a really spoiled and pampered kid who freaked out over not being doted over for a few days. But I was sleep deprived and excluded from everything. Even the adults had shunned me so I was raring to go when she asked me how it went. I remember screaming about how horrible it was and I never wanted to do it again.
I don't remember the exact words. I didn't go to DC in 8th grade because of that.
I'm glad in a way because I know the same thing would have happened. I would have had shitty roommates and been hungry and sleep deprived again, excluded from all group outings. My real friends didn't have the kind of money that my parents did and so they couldn't go with me on these trips.
In high school I didn't want to miss out on a trip to France because of petty shit so I ignored a lot of the crap that got dished out onto me from the other kids. The kids my age treated me the same way they had in middle school and so I was excluded form their outings and also from being roommates with any of them.I ended up in a room with three older girls. Melody, Felicity and Amy. Amy started in on me from the beginning. She stepped into the middle ofmy suitcase, said I was getting my grease and dirt on her stuff, etc. I went hungry a few nights because they wouldn't split a pizza with me and I wasn't gonna buy a whole one for myself. When I went out to dinner with them one night they spilled soda onto my plate before I even ate anything. Mostly it was Amy. I think she put her boyfriend up to it that time.
I loved the places we went but the people I was with were at best, apathetic. I got in trouble one night because the girls went me to knock on one of the boys' doors. I guess I interpreted their request as a chance to fit in a bit and so I did it knowing it was wrong. The teacher was hanging out on the stairwell chaperoning. As a teacher and a parent she really was the best. Any responsible adult would have done the same. So I got screamed at although her language included the other girls. I think she knew I was put up to it. It was the only time any of those girls apologized to me. Ofcourse Amy was not one of them. Just the other two.
Amy finally backed off on the last day when she came really close to getting the shit kicked out of her. I had gotten a lock of hair decoratively wrapped with thread at the Pompidou Center from one of the street vendors. Amy yanked on it and said something like "you think you're so cool." I had one of those moment when I actually saw red. There is this rage that manifests as heat that flows from the spinal column up over the back of the head and crests right over the eyes in red vision. I've learned since childhood to stay perfectly still and let the wave crash and recede in order stop myself from a violent outburst. Being raised in a violent household I've learned to be afraid of my temper. You can't marinate in violence half your life and not take some of it into you. So I've learned techniques to keep myself under control.
I think Felicity saw that in my face. Somehow she knew enough was enough and laid into Amy to back off.
I don't know if she really knew how close I was. She was the quiet one out of the three so I imagine her empath level was higher than the louder girls in the group.
It was not an ideal environment. I loved the experience and loved the places I visited but hated the people I was with.
I think some of these high school and grade schools issues are coming up because of my fears of what Bri may have to deal with at school. I saw how a girl who was a year older than her looked at Bri when Bri sat next to her at the breakfast table. Like she wanted to move away but was stopping herself just to be polite.
Bri is a rough and tumble kid. She gets bruises and scrapes from climbing on things and running in the grass. She's not dainty. Maybe that offends some of the girlier girls. I recognized this girl as one of the ones that wears sparkly dresses everyday and directs the dollhouse playgroup.
I do worry about how I'm going to prepare her to deal with other kids bullshit. It's easy to put her into Tae Kwan Do and hope that she can at least defend herself from physical attacks but emotional attacks are harder. They can be really subtle in body language, intonation and simple "forgetting" that someone else is there.
How do I help prepare her psychologically without falling into some cheesy pop-psych cliche? Much of it she's just going to have to learn the hard way. I'm bracing myself for the first crying session when some kid has to be an asshole and not pick her for a team or call her fat just because she's well fed and has an athletic build.
We've got strong bones and defensive linemen build in this family. I can benchpress hubbie's upper body.
Hehe. I guess I'll just take it as it comes.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
The Lost Month
Almost nothing has been done or read this month. I did get a ritual completed a few days after Ostara. It was pleasant but nothing really popped out. I had to have it in my room. The library is currently being worked on with new lights and a ceiling fan. We also have boxes of plants we are starting for the garden taking up almost half the floor. The tomato starters are huge by now. I'm worried they'll get too big and snap their stalks or become all deformed.
The weather is finally getting warmer and the ground has thawed so we can get some digging work done. I've got my eye on the trench left from putting in the drain tile. I want to get at the dirt and fill it in. It also includes the border stones that got pulled out when we put the tile in. I need to dig a trench to level them back into place. I'll do that tomorrow or next week.
The stained glass is going great. I've got the five elements cut and ground ready for copper and soldering.
The larger rose pentacle is going to take a little longer. I want to practice soldering on the smaller pieces before I moved to that one.
My station downstairs has pretty much everything I need. It's not optimal but it functions pretty smoothly and I'm short so I don't have to worry about bumping my head on the heating ducts.
I have to work up a rit for this week to take care of the first of the month. I also need to get back to reading those two books and keep working on those skills and meditations.
The big jump I made this month is opening my heart chakra. I feel more open and giving. But I've managed to retain the boundaries that keep me safe and healthy. I'm helping people when I can without hurting myself.
I've read the second book in the Peaceful Warrior series. The first book pissed me off because the main character was so immature and silly. The second book really spoke to me though.
I think that plus the chakra book and the focus on Sensuality from the Sexual Anorexia book all came together this month and really amped up my mind state. Feeling good and hoping that I'm positively affecting others with this increase in energy and open heart.
The weather is finally getting warmer and the ground has thawed so we can get some digging work done. I've got my eye on the trench left from putting in the drain tile. I want to get at the dirt and fill it in. It also includes the border stones that got pulled out when we put the tile in. I need to dig a trench to level them back into place. I'll do that tomorrow or next week.
The stained glass is going great. I've got the five elements cut and ground ready for copper and soldering.
The larger rose pentacle is going to take a little longer. I want to practice soldering on the smaller pieces before I moved to that one.
My station downstairs has pretty much everything I need. It's not optimal but it functions pretty smoothly and I'm short so I don't have to worry about bumping my head on the heating ducts.
I have to work up a rit for this week to take care of the first of the month. I also need to get back to reading those two books and keep working on those skills and meditations.
The big jump I made this month is opening my heart chakra. I feel more open and giving. But I've managed to retain the boundaries that keep me safe and healthy. I'm helping people when I can without hurting myself.
I've read the second book in the Peaceful Warrior series. The first book pissed me off because the main character was so immature and silly. The second book really spoke to me though.
I think that plus the chakra book and the focus on Sensuality from the Sexual Anorexia book all came together this month and really amped up my mind state. Feeling good and hoping that I'm positively affecting others with this increase in energy and open heart.
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