This month has not produced any study progress but life progress has been good.
My depression has lifted, the cold is gone and I'm putting together my shop. I've got the area cleared and will be putting the furniture in place this weekend. I went to a glass shop yesterday and got enough to do my first project. I'm really hyper about getting started.
I've been consciously telling the negative voice in my head to shut up. "Have a plan B. Don't get too happy cause it'll hurt more WHEN you fail."
I've been allowing myself to feel my emotions rather than judging them. I was so happy working on glass designs and getting supplies I was manic.
Sex was on last night! Yahoo!
Also doing a lot of cooking and cleaning that is way overdue. In a really good place right now.
I felt like I was on the edge yesterday, taking the leap of faith across the gulf. I'm getting to a place where I don't plan ahead as much. I used to obsessively plan everything and then talk my way out of things because so much could go wrong and I never felt ready. I'd get stuck in my planning/research phase.
I'm breaking out of it and trying to figure out what flying feels like. I think I had it yesterday. I still fill up today but not manic anymore. Happy and peaceful.
On the homefront--Bri figured out how to unscrew the child-proof gate. She doesn't have the strength to unhook the red spring latch so she found out if she unscrews the pressure plastic washer on the side, it opens the gate by relieving the pressure. Damnit! She's only three. Mad skills like that shouldn't be developing already.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Friday, March 14, 2014
Delay due to sickness
I've been really sick for over a week. Antibiotics seems to be doing the trick so I'm hoping to be able to pick up where I left off around ostara.
I wrote the ritual for the beginning of the month a while ago and have not done it due to sickness and exhaustion. Will revise it for use during Ostara.
I wrote the ritual for the beginning of the month a while ago and have not done it due to sickness and exhaustion. Will revise it for use during Ostara.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Another Week of Rest
We all got sick this week so I'm taking it a bit slow.
My chiropractor is interested in my stained glass work. I've decided not to put it off any longer and gather the supplies now and start working soon. I've been drawing and practicing some things. I have a few patterns that are usuable now. I can start working on my technique and even do some more traditional antique stuff.
I had to ask myself what was stopping me from just diving in? Fear and self-doubt. That's what it really came down to. I was using my "research phase" as an excuse to put things off out of fear that it wouldn't work or I'd change my mind or go back to my old interests.
I almost wonder if I might be afraid of being successful. I don't know if it's social phobia, afraid of not being able to keep up with orders or keep my finances straight. Intellectually I know I've got a good head on my shoulders for money and managing materials and work orders. I can always list things as sold out until I can rebuild inventory to re-list them.
I think I tried to crush my own enthusiasm so I wouldn't suffer disappointment or defeat. I didn't allow myself to get too excited or be happy. I need to work on that. Letting myself feel hope and joy. Another trait that came from my family. Mom was really big on back-up plans and not getting too far ahead if something fails.
It's not like I'm going to lose anything for this. I'm already making crap pay for work that I barely get calls for.
I've also had to call in a lot for illness. These past three months have brought repeated illness into the house. Ever since Bri started daycare we've been getting sick and her nose runs constantly. I had four consecutive illnesses the last 3 weeks of Dec then one illness each in Jan and Feb. Now this illness.
Putting off the ritual for the beginning of the month until this weekend. I wrote it about two nights ago but I've been so tired and not able to talk without coughing badly. I want to wait until I can raise energy without depleting myself. This month's ritual deals with calling to me an object I want. I'll send forth the spell and energy then contact the person and ask. Release both at the same time might increase the chances of the answer being yes. I'm going to do the death release spell one more time. Then I think I'll let it go. I don't feel a need to continue sending on that energy every month for the rest of the year. I think I've let go of a lot. I'm also going to do some work with the Mother Archetype. I want to do some work representing and acknowledging the change in my life since I've had Bri. I've never really properly done a rite of passage for that event.
I was listening to an old song in the car from K's Choice "Dad". It made me cry. I felt totally different about that song. I used to resent it and get really angry about the way she talked about her father. Now I don't feel that anger I once felt. I can listen to it and see some of the things she said. There were moments when connection wasn't made but reaching was attempted. I can see things a little clearer and with more compassion. Yeah, he screwed up in life but he did the best he could. I didn't get the affection I needed but I was materially supported and my education was paid for. I think after death he understood me better than in life. The physical brain can sometimes cloud perception. Too many filters for experiences to pass through and things tend to get muddy.
I don't want to make excuses for the way my childhood was. It wasn't right or fair. But I can see it differently, without the anger and feel forgiveness. I can let things go and take what's useful. Not dwell on the resentment and hurt. I know that those emotions aren't completely gone. They'll flair up occasionally. But the worst of the ranting and anger is passed. This is truly the first time in my life I've been able to look back without flying into a rage, without hate and anger. I think I can see a little of who they wanted to be to me but might not have known how to reach me. It's sad it took death to meet him halfway but sometimes that's what it takes for evolution to happen.
I know I've got some muddy filters so don't think I'm being a spiritual snob.
Bri is speech delayed. We've signed her up for evaluation next Friday and I'm taking her to the Chiropractor on Wed. I've mentioned a vertebrae on her spine that doesn't look like there's a spiny process. I could be totally wrong because I don't know the bones but it's best to check it out. That uneven area of the spine has bugged me about her since birth. It's been in the back of my mind to have it checked out especially since her port wine stain birth mark could be indicative of a malformed organ. Our pediatrician insisted on an ultrasound to check her spinal column and kidneys as soon as possible. Everything checked out but it still bothers me. The Chiro also said that a neck out of alignment could contribute to oral motor delay. A pinched nerve in the neck could slow the development of motor skills in the tongue and mouth area. So he'll check that as well. Better safe.
I've dealt with some frustration from this. I can feel the multi-generational impatience bubbling up and I just want to walk away. Both hubbie and I were really quick and smart as kids. So a delay is a surprise. But her cousin, the first born, also had a speech delay. It was stubbornness on her part and I think it might be stubbornness on Bri's side too. Still treatment will help either way. We've been working with her on two word phrases. Linking adjectives and nouns like color and object. Also words like Want and More plus the desired object. She's been getting the hang of More Juice and Want Paints. The first two days she screamed for over an hour when we refused to turn on the video or give her the crayons because she refused to name the object she desired. I won't do this exercise with food. I don't need her developing food issues.
I had a good cry in the shower this morning. Alannis Morrisette's song "Perfect" kept running through my head. I'm afraid I'm going to push her like my parents pushed me. I cried to that song in college. I was just letting her develop at her own pace and not checking the milestones. That's probably why she developed the delay in the first place. So now it's catch-up. I'm watching myself closely to try not to convey that kind of stress on her. It might be why I hold back correcting her when I should. I think I did a pretty good job tonight getting her to ask for things by name and she's been using two word phrases as well. I got her to say Want Paint, More Juice, and repeat two work phrases from the books we read tonight like Left Foot, Yellow Yak, etc. Sometimes I have to say the first word and wait for her then say the second word and wait for her. Then I repeat the phrase together slowly and sometimes she follows me. It's working slowly.
My chiropractor is interested in my stained glass work. I've decided not to put it off any longer and gather the supplies now and start working soon. I've been drawing and practicing some things. I have a few patterns that are usuable now. I can start working on my technique and even do some more traditional antique stuff.
I had to ask myself what was stopping me from just diving in? Fear and self-doubt. That's what it really came down to. I was using my "research phase" as an excuse to put things off out of fear that it wouldn't work or I'd change my mind or go back to my old interests.
I almost wonder if I might be afraid of being successful. I don't know if it's social phobia, afraid of not being able to keep up with orders or keep my finances straight. Intellectually I know I've got a good head on my shoulders for money and managing materials and work orders. I can always list things as sold out until I can rebuild inventory to re-list them.
I think I tried to crush my own enthusiasm so I wouldn't suffer disappointment or defeat. I didn't allow myself to get too excited or be happy. I need to work on that. Letting myself feel hope and joy. Another trait that came from my family. Mom was really big on back-up plans and not getting too far ahead if something fails.
It's not like I'm going to lose anything for this. I'm already making crap pay for work that I barely get calls for.
I've also had to call in a lot for illness. These past three months have brought repeated illness into the house. Ever since Bri started daycare we've been getting sick and her nose runs constantly. I had four consecutive illnesses the last 3 weeks of Dec then one illness each in Jan and Feb. Now this illness.
Putting off the ritual for the beginning of the month until this weekend. I wrote it about two nights ago but I've been so tired and not able to talk without coughing badly. I want to wait until I can raise energy without depleting myself. This month's ritual deals with calling to me an object I want. I'll send forth the spell and energy then contact the person and ask. Release both at the same time might increase the chances of the answer being yes. I'm going to do the death release spell one more time. Then I think I'll let it go. I don't feel a need to continue sending on that energy every month for the rest of the year. I think I've let go of a lot. I'm also going to do some work with the Mother Archetype. I want to do some work representing and acknowledging the change in my life since I've had Bri. I've never really properly done a rite of passage for that event.
I was listening to an old song in the car from K's Choice "Dad". It made me cry. I felt totally different about that song. I used to resent it and get really angry about the way she talked about her father. Now I don't feel that anger I once felt. I can listen to it and see some of the things she said. There were moments when connection wasn't made but reaching was attempted. I can see things a little clearer and with more compassion. Yeah, he screwed up in life but he did the best he could. I didn't get the affection I needed but I was materially supported and my education was paid for. I think after death he understood me better than in life. The physical brain can sometimes cloud perception. Too many filters for experiences to pass through and things tend to get muddy.
I don't want to make excuses for the way my childhood was. It wasn't right or fair. But I can see it differently, without the anger and feel forgiveness. I can let things go and take what's useful. Not dwell on the resentment and hurt. I know that those emotions aren't completely gone. They'll flair up occasionally. But the worst of the ranting and anger is passed. This is truly the first time in my life I've been able to look back without flying into a rage, without hate and anger. I think I can see a little of who they wanted to be to me but might not have known how to reach me. It's sad it took death to meet him halfway but sometimes that's what it takes for evolution to happen.
I know I've got some muddy filters so don't think I'm being a spiritual snob.
Bri is speech delayed. We've signed her up for evaluation next Friday and I'm taking her to the Chiropractor on Wed. I've mentioned a vertebrae on her spine that doesn't look like there's a spiny process. I could be totally wrong because I don't know the bones but it's best to check it out. That uneven area of the spine has bugged me about her since birth. It's been in the back of my mind to have it checked out especially since her port wine stain birth mark could be indicative of a malformed organ. Our pediatrician insisted on an ultrasound to check her spinal column and kidneys as soon as possible. Everything checked out but it still bothers me. The Chiro also said that a neck out of alignment could contribute to oral motor delay. A pinched nerve in the neck could slow the development of motor skills in the tongue and mouth area. So he'll check that as well. Better safe.
I've dealt with some frustration from this. I can feel the multi-generational impatience bubbling up and I just want to walk away. Both hubbie and I were really quick and smart as kids. So a delay is a surprise. But her cousin, the first born, also had a speech delay. It was stubbornness on her part and I think it might be stubbornness on Bri's side too. Still treatment will help either way. We've been working with her on two word phrases. Linking adjectives and nouns like color and object. Also words like Want and More plus the desired object. She's been getting the hang of More Juice and Want Paints. The first two days she screamed for over an hour when we refused to turn on the video or give her the crayons because she refused to name the object she desired. I won't do this exercise with food. I don't need her developing food issues.
I had a good cry in the shower this morning. Alannis Morrisette's song "Perfect" kept running through my head. I'm afraid I'm going to push her like my parents pushed me. I cried to that song in college. I was just letting her develop at her own pace and not checking the milestones. That's probably why she developed the delay in the first place. So now it's catch-up. I'm watching myself closely to try not to convey that kind of stress on her. It might be why I hold back correcting her when I should. I think I did a pretty good job tonight getting her to ask for things by name and she's been using two word phrases as well. I got her to say Want Paint, More Juice, and repeat two work phrases from the books we read tonight like Left Foot, Yellow Yak, etc. Sometimes I have to say the first word and wait for her then say the second word and wait for her. Then I repeat the phrase together slowly and sometimes she follows me. It's working slowly.
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